Area Man Writing Manifesto to Save America From People With Manifestos

A Prairieville man is composing a rambling, incoherent proclamation explaining how the country needs to protect itself from people who publish rambling, incoherent proclamations about their beliefs.

Adrian McIntosh has been furiously typing away on his 5-year-old desktop computer for at least 48 hours straight with nary a break, not even to use the bathroom.

Spurred by recent events, the unmarried, 38-year-old, self-employed woodworker said he decided to finally sit down and write all of his views and suggestions for solving the entirety of humanity’s problems, most of which he claims are caused by people who spend a significant part of their miserable lives writing about humanity’s problems and how to fix them.

“I’ve been thinking about doing this for quite a while,” a chain-smoking McIntosh admitted as he continued to peck away at his keyboard without looking away from his computer monitor. “So I put on an adult diaper before sitting down right here, because I knew, once I started, I couldn’t stop.”

McIntosh’s developing manifesto already contains 120,000 words — many of them superfluous, poorly chosen, and dedicated to cautioning Americans against the threat of people who write manifestos with superfluous, poorly chosen words.

“Whenever you hear about mass shootings, cults, genocide, or things like that, it’s usually done by someone who not only thinks he knows all the answers but is actually crazy enough to write them all down in a single, overarching composition,” McIntosh added as he worked on his single, overarching composition. “Just look at Hitler. He wrote a manifesto called Mein Kampf, in which he blamed a specific group of people for causing all the world’s problems, and we all know he did really bad things.”

McIntosh concluded the interview to continue composing his manifesto, in which he blames a specific group of people for all the world’s problems.

Republished from The Red Shtick.

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