POUMON NOIR, KENTUCKY — Though the world may not fully know yet what to expect of Donald Trump’s presidency, 43-year-old Ryan Kelvin tells his friends and listeners of his podcast that he knows at least one area of American life will be vastly improved.
“As a coal miner, as a white, Christian coal miner,” Kelvin told listeners of his Correctly Biased podcast this week, “as a white, Christian, Republican coal miner…Hell, as a white, Christian, Republican, Conservative coal miner, I am just glad that the era of identity politics will come to a close.”
For years Kelvin has been telling his audience from his home in Kentucky that President Obama was “an abject failure” for “allowing Americans to fall prey to identity politics.” Instead of focusing on keeping the white working class “employed and happy,” Kelvin says Obama “catered to uppity minorities” and pushed for gender and sexual orientation equality too much.
“We’re all Americans,” Kelvin said, “and instead of playing that up in order to help make the white, Christian, middle-aged conservatives feel coddled, he went and had to focus on civil rights violations. What good are civil rights if I’m not mining coal, Chairman Mao-Bama the Dear Leader Great One Sharia Face?”
Trump’s election is a signal to the rest of the country, Mr. Kelvin believes, that the government will no longer “prioritize how a citizen is treated over how other, whiter, more conservative citizens believe they are being treated.”
“What was so bad with everyone believing that we’d already made all the progress we needed to make in terms of race relations or LGBLT or whatever,” Kelvin asked, “because when Ronald Reagan was in office we weren’t concerned with all that hooey, and my daddy was mining coal like a summabitch.”
Kelvin conceded that the era he wants to return America to wasn’t “exactly peaches and cream for everyone.”
“Sure,” Mr. Kelvin said, “the government was literally pumping black neighborhoods full of crack to help justify the War on Drugs, and thousands of people died in the early days of the HIV/AIDS epidemic because our president thought he could just ignore it as a gay disease and it’d go away. But you know, we all felt good. Why can’t we get back to the times when we all felt good? And by we all I mean white, Christian, Republican, Conservative, Coal Mining Americans?”
Ultimately, Ryan told listeners the election of Trump was a signal to the rest of America.
“Electing Trump was a way to say to liberals,” Kelvin said, “Hey, libtards, you ain’t gonna force your divisive rhetoric on us. Stop telling us to respect your individuality and gender just because it literally has no impact on our lives. Stop telling us to keep our eyes open for racism even when it’s not blatant, because that’s how most racism really works. Forget all that LGBLT stuff. We’re done giving every sub group in America equal time just to make us all feel like special snowflakes.”
Phillip paused a moment.
“No more identity politics,” he concluded, “and we white, middle-aged, angry, coal mining Christian Republicans will show the rest of you barely American taker libtards who worshiped a socialist-Kenyan-Communist-Literal Extraterrestrial Alien-Probably Wore Members Only Jackets In the 80’s-Russian-Cuban-Did I Say Muslim Yet Because He’s Muslim-un-American Divider In Chief how to be REAL AMERICANS.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.