An Open Letter to Pastor Sean Harris

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Hey Paster Sean,

Look, I don’t want to scare you, but your kind of ignorance isn’t cool anymore. Homophobia is starting to go the way of racism where it’s mostly corporate and subtle, and we’ll eventually get around to taking care of that too. So you may want to tone down that crazy-homophobic rhetoric and hear me out.

Instead of “smashing” the gay out of our kids, how about we go another route, and talk about you. I think I know what you want, but you’re too afraid to ask. And because I know what you want, I may be in the unique position to help a dude out…literally.

I think I may have a solution that while not mutually beneficial, is at least going to get a humane resolution to this issue. Just give it a moment to all sink in once I give you my solution, okay? Don’t worry, I think you’re really going to like this.


I’ll suck your dick, okay man?

I, a heterosexual male with a wife of almost seven years will mouth you off. You can’t have all of me though. I’m saving that for if Elvis Costello ever offers to transfer all of his powers to me but I have to give him “around the world.” I’ll take one for the team and give you what you so clearly need but are too afraid to ask for.

Look, I know I’m not a super-hot guy, okay? I know I’m a little round in the middle and hairy. But if you get over that…maybe close your eyes and think of someone else…It can be just about any man putting his mouth on you to climax.

Before you say “yes” or “no,” keep in mind that your horrendously shitty tirade is going viral and people kind of think you suck. In fact, they kind of think you’re a shitty human being. In fact, they kind of hope you get struck with some illness that takes away your ability to speak.

Of course you should feel completely ashamed of yourself for this backwards thinking you have going on right now. I don’t know if you have kids, but sadly your kind always seems to over-breed. So let’s just assume you have a son. Would you want your son being beaten because he’s a Christian? Or…maybe thrown in a lion’s den? No, you probably wouldn’t. So maybe you should back your fucking rhetoric down a bit?

Sorry baby, I’m getting too worked up. It’s just that homophobia is fucking stupid and in my estimation actually runs completely counter to what your holy book tells you about this kind of thing. But that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here to chastise you. I’m here to offer you sexual gratification that you’re obviously missing from your life, so let’s get down to bid-nazzzzz.

I think you just misunderstand your own heart. I think if you just drop those drawers and let a dude give you what you know deep, deep, deep down you really want, you may just see the light. You don’t even have to give up your snakeoil salesman job role as pastor. You can just let me polish your steeple and I bet you’ll feel a million times better.

In the interest of economics and time though, feel free to avail yourself of anyone young (legal aged) stud nearby. It could take me some time to get out to lovely Fayetteville, North Carolina. So if you’ve got some tingly balls, go ahead and unloose the juice.

But yeah, I’m totally willing to take this one for the team. The team being the rest of us who care about someone’s character than what kind of sexual play they get up to.

Sincerely and also Fuck Your Face (Though I guess with what I’m offering it should be “Fuck My Face”),





About James Schlarmann 2617 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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