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Commentary ERIC CANTOR BEAKER

Published on June 20th, 2013 | by James Schlarmann

5

An Open Letter To House Republicans — America’s Icons of National Embarrassment


Dear House Republicans,

You make America suck. Out loud. When people from other countries think of us — thanks to you, your complete ineptitude since the Clinton administration, and the idiocy of the previous administration — they think about you and laugh. You are our National Embarrassment. There’s Darrell Issa’s endless congressional witch hunts that never amount to anything and yet ironically steal away millions of taxpayer dollars in the process of proving absolutely positively fucking nothing. There’s your hapless “leader” — and he has earned the quotation marks, believe me — who you know deep down hates the Tea Party but right now is so paralyzed in fear of them that he just rolls the fuck over for them. There’s Eric Cantor, who looks like Beaker the Muppet fucked Harry Potter and had a baby.

Okay. I admit — that last one was pure face-shitting insultery on my part. But fuck him, because it made me do this, so you might forgive me a little?

ERIC CANTOR BEAKER


Now that we have that lovely image burned into our cerebral jelly, let’s continue bashing the living shit out of you mouth-breathing pachyderms, shall we? I’ll wait right here while try to repeal Obamacare on a purely symbolic — and therefore wasteful of taxpayer funding — vote for the 38th, 39th, or 40th time. God only knows you need to remind the fucking idiots who keep electing you why they put your sycophantic, Ayn Rand worshiping asses in office in the first place right? Keep givin’ ‘em red meat, boys!

You know, we have bridges collapsing, dozens of people being shot every day in our country, high unemployment despite slow economic growth, a War on Terror that has enabled us to become a surveillance state, and a War on Drugs that has incarcerated an alarmingly disproportionate number of African-American and Latino men. Yet through it all, you lot remain laser focused on subjugating women.

Oh, the economy needs a boost in the arm? Here’, have this radical, scientifically ignorant anti-abortion bill, America!

Let me give you all a nickel’s worth of free advice — women and minorities aren’t going away any time soon, and despite efforts in the red states to just completely dissolve critical thinking and educational standards, the younger generations aren’t falling for the “good ol’ days” bullshit you pump out. We know the good ol’ days weren’t all good for everyone in this country. The days you refer to were the days when women could vote, but couldn’t control their own vagina, where black people were technically equal but logistically subjugated. We’ve caught on, guys, and you don’t need to rebrand, you need to re-think.

Right now the polling numbers accurately portray the nation as being pretty well divided on a host of subjects that find you on the wrong side of history. The only reason the numbers show such division is the pure and simple math of a huge generational shift coming. No one likes to talk about it, but the Boomers are actually outnumbered. This of course explains all the fervent, mouth-foaming paranoia coming out of conservatives about the end of American dominance and the death of society at the hands of a ruthless and tyrannical government. You need your base to feel like the ever-shrinking minority that they actually are, because when they feel threatened, they come out to vote. The problem for you guys is that Romney got 60% of the white vote and still lost. The demos show that over time you could lock up 70 or 80% of the white vote and it still will not be enough.

Think about it for just a moment. You are looking like the same kind of backwards-thinking, progress denying racists that wanted to keep the blacks separate from the whites because “that’s what God intended.” You are using the same arguments for denying homosexuals their full set of civil rights. You’re denying climate change despite the volumes of data, which seems to refresh and update every goddamned day now, that shows we are rapidly reaching critical mass, and we need to act soon. You are going to be judged just as harshly as the people who denied we had a hole developing in our ozone, or taking it even further back, the people who denied our planet was round, for fuck’s sake!

I’m writing this not to tell you something you don’t already know, but rather to try and pick off some among you who are smart enough to see it yourselves. The embrace of the right-wing fringe by the Republican Party has led to an embarrassing streak of social and economic policy abortions for the entire country. We live in a country where faceless mega-corporations’ campaign donations drown out the voice of the people. We live in a country where 90% of the people can desire new common sense legislation and Corporate America can team up with feckless politicians to ignore us all. We live in a country where a party is spending more time locking down women’s control over their own bodies than they are in locking down control of the out of control assholes on Wall Street who nearly took the country down permanently not more than half a decade ago. The truth is that the American public can and will only stomach this idiocy for so long.

This is why I’m praying to every deity I don’t believe in that you continue to ignore the sane and rational, moderate Americans. I pray with all my heart that you drag your party further and further right until the moderates and rational people have no choice but to kick you out of office. It seems like that’s how it has to work in America. We have to become so fed up with abysmal job performance that we have no other choice but to act. Ask Newt Gingrich if he thinks that 1998 was his best year ever. Ask John McCain and Mitt Romney what it’s like to run as Republican presidential nominees in the immediate wake of the worst presidential administration of all time. After eight years of Bush cowboyism and Cheney war mongering, we voted for a huge change (that we’ve yet to see, but that’s a rant for a different time), and even though the economy wasn’t fully recovered and we weren’t completely blown away by his first term, the thought of a Republican in the White House was so repulsive we put Obama back in for a second time.

Maybe if you lot spend the next eighteen months in the run up to the 2014 mid-term elections doing exactly as you’re doing right now, things will change. Even the most red, gerrymandered to all hell districts won’t be able to hold the Republican edge for too much longer as more and more people around my generation start taking notice. This is America, you are entitled to hold whatever antiquated, bigoted, or debunked opinion you want to have. What you’re not entitled to is power in perpetuity.

You notice the distinct lack of (overt) segregationists in Congress right? Don’t see to many pro-slavery peeps as members of Congress, right? When was the last time one of your colleagues took to the floor of the House or the Senate and demanded that something be done about the scourge of the Indians, the Chinese, and the Irish? Think about that for a while. Why do you think that might be?

All this being said, there’s nothing that’s better for the country in the long run than you guys crossing every single line every single chance you get. I propose you move the cut off on your abortion bill to the moment of conception. Sure you can’t really prove when that was, and you’d be telling every rape victim she better hope to God they don’t get pregnant because they’re having that rape baby no matter what, but hey, the worst that’ll happen is that all you disgusting extremists will be voted out. So I suppose that in the end the theme of this letter is “You are an embarrassment to yourselves, your party, your country, your species, your planet, your solar system, your galaxy and your universe; please don’t change a thing.”

Seriously. Please. Don’t change a thing.

 

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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



  • C. Huus

    You seem like a smart enough guy, but you seem to be drinking the anti-Obama coolaid same as the rest. Its all the same reasons you stated (racism, obstructionism, etc.) that Obama wasn’t able to make many of the sweeping changes he proposed (and he’s made a lot of them). Maybe consider the strategic consequences of completely dropping out most effective, albeit unconstitutional, weapons in the war on terror that he didn’t even start, but it trying to end. Policies that he wanted to end, but found we would be in the dark u less we ended our middle east conflicts first. Think about how anti-intellectual these fucktard Republicans are and how long it was between sane, moderate intellectuals we had in the white house. The American people have grown so accustomed to seeing zoo animals in the white house, that when a real human being steps up and takes over the rest start flinging their proverbial shit at him. Think about it…

    • C. Huus

      Excuse the typos. My phone is junk.

    • http://www.facebook.com/timothy.burns.167 Timothy Burns

      While Obama seems progressive on the surface, he still clearly represents the status quo. Big banking gets a pass on laundering drug money while citizens are being jailed at the highest rate in the world for minor drug offenses. Wake up. Your precious Obama is even a bigger jerk than his idiotic predecessor, because his presidency offers the cruel ruse of hope and change against the harsh realities of living in an escalating police state. I do not have an answer…the game is rigged, the fix is in. If you believe that anyone in government on either side gives a shit about you, you are delusional.

  • Pingback: Dear House Republicans, aka National Embarrassment

  • http://www.facebook.com/jason.paskowitz Jason Paskowitz

    No need to apologize for the comments about that smarmy douchebag Cantor. One correction: The GOP started evidencing “complete ineptitude” long before Clinton. Let’s not forget the unmitigated fuckup that was the Reagan “administration.”

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