An Open Letter to Any and All Modern-Day Secessionist Morons

To All Modern Day Secessionists — But Particularly Those Currently  in Colorado and California:

Honestly, what can be said to you lot other than a variation on the theme of “L-O-L!”? I mean, really. You guys are trying to carve out new states that will be quite small not only in geography but in population size…for what, exactly? Even if your right-wing fundamentalist Utopian wet dream comes to fruition what good will it do? You’ll be so small that your influence on both the Electoral College and in Congress will be nearly non-existent. For goodness’ sake, you rural Colorado types will have a population not much bigger than the sleepy mountain town I grew up in.

So why exactly do you feel the need to embarrass yourselves by walking away from two states that all things considered are actually poised to do great things in the next fifteen or twenty years? Colorado is on the forefront of marijuana legalization, and if you don’t think the whole state will benefit from the billions of dollars that industry will generate over the next couple of decades, you’re even sillier than I thought. California’s on the way to doing much the same as Colorado and Washington in that regard as well, and with the new tax increases passed by the voters in last year’s election, it would seem that the Golden State’s financial worries are already starting to abate.

I ask you why you want to leave your states as they begin to truly prosper, but I do so completely out of rhetorical bemusement — or is it amusement? We all know why you want to do this. You’re scared! The big, bad liberals are ruining your country! In Colorado they’re taking your guns. And as we all know California is the bastion of modern day American Communism that would make Karl Marx rub one out on the spot, just looking at our emission standards. So I get it, you all feel threatened by progress and you want to pull the ejection handle.

I guess to people like you, the notion of health care for all is just dirty socialist talk, right? I mean, why would we want to actually take care of the babies we force rape victims to have after they’re born? That’s the responsibility of the mother and the rapist  — er father — right? Why would we want to resuscitate our dying infrastructure by diverting funds away from the Great American War Machine when we can just keep blindly trundling along the path we’re on now, right?

In the end, to you it must be far more important to deny health care to poor people and people with pre-existing conditions than it is roll with the punches and see how new ideas play out. To you, it must be far better to be able to continue to openly discriminate against members of the LGBT community than it is to evolve. To you, I’m assuming that you’d prefer to abolish Affirmative Action because as we all know racism doesn’t exist anymore…just don’t tell that to Trayvon Martin’s mother. Or to the millions of African-Americans whose votes are threatened by the voter ID laws in their states, right? In fact, I would guess that whatever Neo-Conservative Paradise you lot create will force you to take a drug test and show four forms of ID before you’re even allowed in the booth, wouldn’t it?

But you know what, Modern Day Secessionists? If it were up to me, I’d let you go. If I were the sole arbiter of who gets to create a new state and who doesn’t, I’d gladly approve your applications. Why? Because in about three years you’d come crawling back to your home states when your economies tank since no one will be able to make a decent wage. Your roads will tear your cars up in record time, and crime will skyrocket in your open carry states that can’t afford to pay police officers because taxation is robbery, am I right?

Seriously, I think anyone and everyone who has had these idiotic delusions of breaking away with a tiny sect of like-minded right-wing ideological sycophants should be allowed to form a state whenever they meet the Constitutional requirements to do so. We’ll all get to point and laugh as your schools rank dead last. We’ll giggle when you come to the Federal government, hat in hand like so many red states do, begging to suckle from the same teat you claim only “welfare queens” and “takers” do. In other words, watching your worthless right-wing meccas falter, flail and fall would be the best damned entertainment we’ve gotten in a long time around these parts.

So please, by all means, keep at it Modern Day Secessionists. No matter how you slice it, you are going to look foolish. Either when your mission succeeds and your states fold within half a decade, or when your efforts fall woefully short time and again and you’re stuck in the state you hate so much, all the while benefiting from the decisions of those you wish to get away from the most. Irony be thy medium in which you ply your artistry, and far be it from me to stop you.




About James Schlarmann 1829 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
  • Fred_the_Evil

    What they fail to account for is where there petulant tantrum will ultimately lead. Right now they just sound like an insolent teenager that falsely believes they know everything and doesn’t like dad’s rules, so they’re going to run away, cuz they’re like, all grown up, ‘n shit.

    Are they trying to create their own state or own country?

    If they are trying to become their own country, then they would have to arrange some sort of trade agreements, replete with tariffs and transport routes, in order to have goods brought into their precious treehouse. To do so, they would need 1.) something to sell that others need, 2.) a currency backed by something besides their pseudo-patriotism -let them try their “gold standard” nonsense and find out why it has been abandoned by the rest of the world’s economies.

    If Mexico wants to sell something in Canada, they either go around or cut a deal with the US.

    Then they would need to determine what they are going to do about a power grid. There’s more to power generation and distribution that some wires to their house. Water and wastewater, as well as any environmental runoff that may enter US territory.

    Then they will need to address the federal property within the boundaries of their cult compound. The US taxpayers would have a problem with our federal bridges, highways, and other infrastructure being taken by a foreign government, a la Chavez.

    In order to have some products to trade, they will need to establish the equivalent of our USDA and FDA. They will likely have a problem procuring medicines and medical supplies in the US -I don’t know of any other country that is allowed to send their citizens into the US to buy supplies for their hospitals.

    They will have to address travel into and through the US -they will need their own passports and I don’t see why the US would be inclined to let a bunch of traitors into our country. Since their government would be about as stable and effective as Somalia, they should be on the DoD no-travel/no-fly country list.

    If they are trying to be a 51st state, then they would have to be admitted into the Union, annexed if you will. The irony of being required to reside under the same federal laws they were trying to escape would be hilarious. But until they were admitted into the Union–and why would we instantly take back a bunch of traitors–they would be their own country with the aforementioned problems and issues to resolve.

    They are just a bunch of small-minded, small-time childish idiots. Sadly, they will likely spawn, creating a whole new generation of genetically-defective idiots.

    • DAngelo136

      Well done, Fred. Would it be a cliche to say “Right said Fred”?

      • Fred_the_Evil

        Thank you, DAng.

        I just wonder about the person that voted “down” on my post. Do they not know what it takes to be a country? Or did they just think that daddy would keep paying all their bills while they played house?


  • Robyn Ryan

    It would make Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama feel better…..

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