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Published on June 20th, 2012 | by James Schlarmann

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An Exploration of Conservative Paranoia


Have you ever been talking with a Conservative and found yourself thinking “Holy fuck dude, you’re a judgmental, arrogant prick!” Me too. And I’ve been trying to figure out why that it is that so many Conservatives take delight in telling other people how much harder to work, how stupid Progressives are for their idea of feeding the hungry and healing the sick before you drop bombs on countries, and just generally what a bunch of sour, angry, frothing-at-the-mouth lunatics they are when they get together en masse.

Look, I’m not saying that every Conservative behaves this way. I happen to know a few Conservatives and we manage to interact all the time without threatening to shank each other. And Conservatives can even be open-minded about Progressive issues like marriage equality and a woman’s right to choose. Perhaps I’m speaking more about that Conservative who doesn’t seem to realize it’s not 1957 any more. But for what we’re doing here, let’s just try to remember that I know not all Conservatives are dicks, okay?

Remember the GOP primary debate where they booed a gay solder and cheered when Ron Paul intimated those who can’t afford health care should just die? That comes from a place. And a lot of people would think it would be a place of anger, or vindictiveness. Surely they just must all be pissed off and upset and that’s why they act as if their way of life is the only way of life worth living. But the thing is, it’s not anger that makes them assholes.

It’s fear.

That’s right. Conservatives live every day knowing their way of life is threatened by the natural evolution of mankind. Eventually, when people realize that not all homosexuals are pedophiles and criminals, they start to think, “Gee, maybe we should let them get married.” When people start looking at the income equality gap and wondering why they have to work five times as hard to pay a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney does, they start to think, “Gee, maybe we could ask the rich to pay a few percentage points more.” Societal evolution dictates that we naturally move forward and explore the old traditions and customs. Some of them stay, and some of them go.

The Conservative mind is one that sees any change from the status quo, unless that status quo is a Progressive one, is wrong, bad, and sent from Kenya to destroy us all.

So all that bluster, all that misplaced hubris, it comes from knowing that eventually, we will move on. So they try and try to keep pushing back the clock. They keep trying to force us backwards. They know the only to stop us is to stop progress. So they’ll do everything they can to make Progressives out to be the freaks, the ones going against nature. But as we all know, it is natural to evolve. It is unnatural to stay stagnate and stationary.

There’s a reason they put their fingers in their ears and crawl up the elephant’s ass: because it scares them to think that eventually they will lose. Conservatives fought hard to stop the end of Jim Crow laws, to keep the races segregated, and they lost. They fought hard to keep women in the kitchen and getting their abortions the old fashioned way, and they lost. Conservatives always lose. Even when you think they’re winning, they’re just delaying the inevitable: society will evolve.

And let’s just pretend that in America Conservatives get their way and gays can’t marry and Mexicans have to sew little Mexican flags on their shirts, and rich people pay zero taxes. What’ll happen then? Well, either America will fight back because it’ll be obvious that they’re going the wrong way, or America will completely dissolve and this great experiment will be a big fucking failure.

Uplifting, huh?

Okay, my admitted demagoguery aside, the truth is that Conservatives mostly seem to fear the fact that they are always, always going to be swimming upstream against societal norms. And the strange part is how delusional they are about the effect of Liberalism on the country. Without Liberalism, you could still own a black guy and women couldn’t vote. I’d actually like to ask a Conservative one time what they think the historical impact has been of Liberalism versus Conservatism. We’re seeing what austerity, the flagship of the Conservative Economic Fleet, does to a populace over in Europe right now, and it’s not pretty.

If you want an example of what Liberal or Progressive fiscal policies have done, you need only look at at what happened in this country when the second World War ended. We had probably the most Progressive fiscal policies ever in our history, and the Middle Class thrived for decades. Since the Reagan era we’ve essentially had a modified version of Reaganomics (even when Clinton was in office and he raised the tax rates on the wealthiest people in the country), and we’ve seen the decline of the Middle Class, which any economist worth his salt will tell you is a dangerous proposition.

History’s not on their side, but histrionics definitely are.

 

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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



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