A Love Letter To Sen. Ted Cruz From a Left-Wing Socialist Hippie Libtard

Dear Senator Teddy,

You know, I think I owe you a big apology, Senator Cruz. I’ve written more than a few hundred words in the past about what a despicable partisan hack you are. I’ve pointed out every time you’ve grandstanded pointlessly, every time you’ve made boneheaded comments about knowing what the American people want (while serving the smallest fringe minority of your party, of course), and have generally relished every opportunity to bat you about the ears verbally for your toxic influence on Washington politics. All of that changes today as I pledge my undying love for you, Senator Ted Cruz, Republican from Texas.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, Teddy. I hate your policies. I still hate your whole “snake oil selling bullshit monger” thing you have going on, but I finally see it. I finally see what you’re up to, and I like it. I don’t just like it in fact, I love it. Some have jokingly said you were secretly sent here by some left-wing operative to destroy the GOP from the inside. But I love you precisely because that isn’t the case — in fact the direct opposite is. You actually think you’re “purifying” the Republican party, don’t you? You’re on a damned-fool idealistic crusade and you’ve already got a couple dozen of the more simple-minded members of the House to go along with you. Hell, you convinced them to shut down the government — a move that is going to cost the Republican Party dearly — didn’t you?

It’s easy to see where people would get the idea that you’re actually trying to sabotage the party, but I know better. I grew up in the movement. I know that every few years someone like you comes along. It’s like you’re created from the collected essences Joe McCarthy, Newt Gingrich, and Pat Buchanan. You are ideological purist in the worst way, but more importantly you are the harbinger of death for the current iteration of the Republican Party, and nothing shows that in more naked terms than the fact that recently you were ripped behind closed doors by several of your fellow Republican senators, and the scene was described as a “lynch mob” — which I’m sure got Louie Gohmert’s blood pumping for a wholly different nostalgia-induced reason.

They hate you more than I hate you Teddy, and that’s what’s made me love you. You are so bullheaded, so egomaniacal that I know you will not be getting down off your soapbox any time soon. Frankly, if it weren’t for the 800,000 federal workers you put through hell, and the fact that you helped nearly crash the world’s economy, I’d pray for you to keep digging in. The more you dig your heels in, the harder the establishment is going to try to remove you, and the closer we become to the Republican Party of 2013 completely immolating, and I finally get that you are going to be the one to do it.

I always knew you’d cause a pain the ass to the rest of your colleagues. Unlike John McCain, your “maverick” nature is rooted in ideological purity. McCain got that title by showing his morality and ethics know fewer party boundary lines than you’ll ever know. You personally won’t be satisfied until all the “squishes” — people exactly like McCain — are expelled from the party. But the reason I love you is that you are so adorably clueless as to the fact that they are already pounding in the stakes and ties of the rail that they’re going to ride you the fuck out of town on, Senator Cruz. You actually think that the monolith that is the Republican National Committee isn’t going to step in at some point — at the behest of everyone in your party that is just tired of your corn flake pissing — and just cut you off financially.

That’s when the lynching metaphor will be even more appropriate — when you’ve finally worn out your welcome. They’ll support your primary opponent fully and the ads will be ugly. At that point you’ll probably take over some “think tank” or take a nice big, fat lobbyist check. Although, if you piss enough people off, that won’t even be your fate. You’ll be swept up and into the dustbin of history with McCarthy, Gingrich and Buchanan. Sure, Newt ran for President last year, but did he really have any real shot at the nomination, much less of convincing voters to put their trust in him?

That is your fate, Teddy, historical irrelevance after a brilliant and awesome flame-out. And maybe that’s enough for you; maybe that was your goal all along. After all, being an abysmal failure of a legislator or governor hasn’t seemed to completely derail Sarah Palin. She’s still getting paid by someone every now and then to open her mouth, and maybe that’s what you wanted. You clearly didn’t want to go to Washington to do any work for the American people. You clearly didn’t go there to fix anything that’s broken. So if fame, notoriety and general disrespect outside of a small cloistering of House Republicans and whatever poor, misguided souls that voted for you out of some sad devotion to an ideology more suited for at least sixty years ago than it is today is what you want, then that’s what you’ll get…but nothing else. 

But one thing is for certain, Senator Cruz. You are going to drag the Republican Party down into the muck and the mire and you have no compunction at all to feel even the slightest bit remorseful for it. You are all Four Horsemen of the Republican’s Apocalypse. You are the Republican House Majority Harbinger of Death — and you will bring about the destruction of the most obtuse, obstructionist, worthless congressional bodies in fifty or more years. That is why I have to love you. You are doing for the rest of us what we cannot do.

You are destroying the Republican Party from the inside, and I for one hope you never, ever stop. 


Someone Who Loves You For All Your Stupidity




About James Schlarmann 1829 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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