A Contraception & Sexuality Primer for Conservatives

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If you remove the joy, you're left with probably the most awkward, vulnerable, and possibly disgusting act you can perform with another person that doesn't involve rooting for the New York Yankees. So having sex for fun isn't going anywhere.

Sandra Fluke, known to Conservatives around the world as “Slut,” or to the rest of us that don’t judge a woman for exercising her sexual freedoms in the same way any man does, “Sandra Fluke,” has joined the Obama campaign trail. This of course has the Right in a tizzy. They’re saying that this move completely invalidates her testimony before a Congressional panel earlier this year, in which she made a case for why contraceptive coverage should be mandatory for all health insurance providers. They of course are also once again showing how very little the know about human sexuality, and what’s much scarier is that they clearly don’t understand what contraceptives are, or what they do, and this is decades after the first hormonal birth control pill was introduced and released to the masses.

A common theme among social Conservatives is this:

People could just not have sex until they can pay for their own preventive measures or until they’re ready to have children.

This  issue has been around since humans first realized they could put themselves inside one another. Many faith-based “Sex Rules” were designed by the priests and clerics of their time to try and curb certain sexual predilections that they themselves deemed “immoral” (whether or not any normal human being would share that opinion). Of course sex is vitally important to our species and its societies, but it’s simultaneously the conduit to our future survival as a race, and it’s also really fucking fun.

Sandra Fluke, the face of real danger to Social Conservatives.

And that I think is what drives Conservatives bananas. Oh, of course they know that people like to have sex for fun. I’d like to think that even their assholes aren’t so very puckered that they don’t actually allow themselves to enjoy fucking. Everyone should enjoy fucking. If you remove the joy, you’re left with probably the most awkward, vulnerable, and possibly disgusting act you can perform with another person that doesn’t involve rooting for the New York Yankees. So having sex for fun isn’t going anywhere.

That being said, it’s clear now after seeing the Conservative response to Fluke and her message that maybe Conservatives just genuinely don’t understand how sexual activities, and therefore, contraceptives actually work. Clearly there’s a need for some edification, hence the reason we create this:

The Political Garbage Chute’s Contraception and Sexuality Primer for Conservatives

1. People Fuck And We Have No Idea What They’re Doing While They Do It

At any given time, there are probably millions, if not billions of people engaged in sex acts. These acts are generally done in such a way to keep the rest of us from knowing what’s happening. Unless it’s out in public, or a film crew is involved, none of use will ever know if the two people engaged in the fucking are: Gay, straight, bi-sexual, married, divorced, dating, are of the same racial heritage, or are using contraceptives.

Conclusion: Trying to regulate normal, adult sexual behavior is impossible because no one can enforce it. This is why despite thousands of years of humans trying to place restrictions on adult sexuality, none of those restrictions actually work.

2. People Fucking Without Contraceptives Can Be a Total Bummer

Since we know people are going to have sex regardless of whatever morality you try and shove down their throats, contraceptives were invented to help mitigate the consequences of unprotected sex. Those consequences include, but are not limited to: over population which leads to higher rates of poverty, crime, and dependence on the same social programs Conservatives loathe more than anything: social programs and sexually transmitted diseases that don’t just make your genitalia itchy, but can kill you.

Conclusion: Free or very, very low cost contraceptives are something we want, to keep our country from being overpopulated with unwanted Welfare babies with AIDS.

3. Contraceptives Don’t Just Help Women To Be More Slutty

Many women decide to take birth control pills regardless of how often they have sex, or even if they aren’t sexually active,  so they can regulate very painful, often often debilitating menstrual issues. As it turns out, being a woman is not all that fun when it comes to having lady parts. While some of the women you older Conservatives might meet at the Early Birds Night down at the singles bar are all dried up down there, many, many women are not yet past the time of “change” and take these pills outside the auspices of sex.

Conclusion: For many women, their birth control is no different than your blood pressure or cholesterol pills or your erectile dysfunction pills, many of which are covered by health insurance providers.

The bottom line is that since women are the only ones equipped with the parts necessary to be tapped for humanity’s greatest burden, populating the Earth, perhaps it’s best for us to give them as many tools as possible that allow them to decide when shouldering that burden, if ever, is right for them.


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