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Surgeon General Recommends Shitting on Ted Cruz Twice Daily

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The acting Surgeon General of the United States has issued a new set of guidelines for the continued health and well-being...

Former President Says His Balls are ‘Really Bigly Missing’ Devin Nunes and Ted Cruz These Days

LAKE DUMFUK, FLORIDA -- He hasn't even been out of power for a full month yet, but sources close to the 45th President of...

Chanel Rion, Sean Hannity, Ted Cruz Argue Over What Exactly Donald Trump’s Taint Tastes Like

It got ugly, it got heated, and sixteen hours later, three of President Donald Trump's most loyal sycophants were not any closer to settling...

Last Week, Ted Cruz Met With Trump’s Balls for a Supreme Court Argument Strategy Sesh

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Supreme Court of the United States will not hear the suit brought by the Attorney General of Texas against four...

Ted Cruz Says Trump’s Dick “Tastes Like a Lifetime Appointment”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Scholars of American history perhaps have never answered the question before, but certainly there's never been a need to before the...

Ron Perlman Offers to Cast Ted Cruz In “Go To Hell, Boy”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- Actor Ron Perlman has reportedly reached out to a Republican senator and offered him a part in an upcoming movie. It's...

Coronavirus Qurantines Itself From Ted Cruz

TEXAS -- A spokesperson for the novel coronavirus issued a statement this morning announcing that her client had decided to self-quarantine from Sen. Ted...

Ted Cruz Vigorously Defends Donald Trump on “Meet The Press” for No Reason in Particular

DOUCHEBAG RANCH, TEXAS -- Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), forcefully defended President Donald Trump on NBC's "Meet the Press" this morning. Cruz assailed House Democrats'...

Ted Cruz Offers to Lube Up and F_ _k a Gun to Show How Safe They Are

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- So far in 2019, CBS News reports that there have been more mass shootings than days on the calendar. One such...

Ted Cruz Wants NASA to Turn Old Shuttles into Chick-Fil-A’s

Senator Ted Cruz has a new idea to try and help the federal government make a little dough while also simultaneously knocking science and education.

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