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I Have a Wish List of Things Dark Brandon Should Do With His Presidential Immunity

By
James Schlarmann
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Some people might really think that if the Supreme Court says presidents have immunity from prosecution  — even for attempting coups — that we’re headed in the wrong direction as a country. And sure, if you’re one of those libtarded cucks who thinks self-governance and determination are quite literally the core-est of core principles of “freedom and liberty,” that might be true, I suppose.

A lot of us though, are starting to feel just burnt out enough that we’ve decided maybe it would be nice if the political party that allegedly represents progressives in this country used their power the way conservatives do. Maybe it’s a pipe dream, wishing for Democrats to become vertebrates, but if not, then just imagine what can be done with presidential immunity.

Sure, it won’t happen. Democrats are too afraid to be called autocrats to do anything to stop autocrats. And yet…a schlubby middle-aged satirist can dream still…can’t they? With that in mind, here’s my wish list of things I want Dark Brandon the Bold to do with the presidential immunity the Supreme Court is about to invent.

  1. Sign a decree making it illegal to call someone a “commie,” “socialist” or “commie socialist” without first defining “communism” and “socialism” without the help of your Prager U video clip library.
  2. Anyone accusing someone else of being a “groomer” has to show us their browser and tithing history.
  3. Re-open Obama’s FEMA camp gay marriage transgender surgery abortion centers so Lord Soros can start paying us for those services again.
  4. Force five new justices onto the Supreme Court – Barack, Michelle, Hillary, Taylor, Barack Again
  5. Force streaming companies to make their “ad free” tiers actually not have any goddamn commercials, even right before the content you’re about to watch, because that’s STILL A FUCKING AD.
  6. Legalize weed and make it a legitimate medical deduction on our taxes.
  7. Institute “Free Taco Tuesday” and pay for all the free tacos by selling Jeff Bezo’s extensive butt plug collection.
  8. Bring back Paul Reubens, David Bowie, Tom Petty, my amazing Aunt Sharre, my sweet grandpa Jim, and all the wonderful people we lost instead of Mitch McConnell or Stephen Miller.
  9. Soda in the water fountains!
  10. Give people with pronouns in their bios an immediate 95% discount on their income taxes.
  11. Take the guns Obama stole from hard working Americans and give them to undocumented transgender immigrants.
  12. Pay off everyone’s student debt except for Bible college tuition. Make them pay double.
  13. Enter all my “Your Mom” jokes into the Library of Congress.
  14. Give me a PS5 for every TV in my house.
  15. Make it illegal to elect a Republican president ever again.

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You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

By
Dustin Pewpsin
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The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk’s personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet, it’s management, or ownership.

“…when you call me an “incel,” you’re just lying, and as a fan of Donald Trump, nothing offends me more than hearing lies…not told by Donald Trump.”

You know what? I’m sick and tired of baby killing, Socialist-Commie-Cuck-Soyboy-America Last-Libtarded DemonRats calling me names.

I’m sick of it, and I need a safe space from all their insults. That’s why I bought myself a cybertruck from Tesla. I figured there was no way that Elon Musk would ever overhype and promote a shitty product, so I took the plunge and dropped a fair amount of scratch on one of those stainless steel beauties. I’ll never regret it, no matter how rusted it gets after I wash it the first time, or if it chops off my finger when I close the tailgate.

After I got my cybertruck, the Left started calling me an “incel.”

Well, actually, I guess I should say they started calling me an “incel” more. It was bad enough when they called me one just because they found out the women-folk around here are brainwashed by Feminazis into thinking it’s weird when I condescendingly explain things to them that they already know about, or that I think if they get pregnant I should be allowed to dictate to them if they have the baby or not…or that I think the clit is just a psy-op started by Big Feminism to further erode men’s power in society.

Then, when I bought my cybertruck, the taunts of “incel” only increased.

They even called me an “incel” after I was truly shocked to my core and Tesla announced it was recalling my cybertruck — and all the other cybertrucks on the road — because the accelerator was getting stuck. I gotta say, as a side note, considering most of us who bought cybertrucks are the kinds to just barrel forward, full speed ahead without caring about the signals we’re being given from either the woman at the bar, or the literal lights on the street, the recall may be completely unnecessary.

But the real hard truth that all you left-wing, George Soros acolytes need to accept is that I’m not an incel. I’m not involuntarily celibate anymore. So when you call me an “incel,” you’re just lying, and as a fan of Donald Trump, nothing offends me more than hearing lies…not told by Donald Trump.

You see, you arrogant jerks, I’m currently fucking the living hell out of my cybertruck. Well, not currently because like I said it’s currently being worked on as part of that whole recall thing, but as soon as I get it back from the dealership, I’m going to lube up my dong and bang the hell out of my cybertruck again.

I bet you didn’t know you could fuck a cybertruck, but you can pretty much fuck anything you want. That’s what Rush Limbaugh taught me, and since Elon made sure to include a little port next to the charging port small enough to provide a perfect, tight fit for cybertruck owners, there’s nothing more enjoyable in the world then laughing at all your accusations of being an incel while balls-deep in an expensive car that hasn’t worked reliably since I got it.

Anyway, just thought I would let you all know that you’re wrong about me being an incel, just like you’re wrong about Trickle Down, WMD in Iraq, and who actually won the 2020 election. I’m going to go call the Tesla dealership and find out if I’m getting laid this week, or if the recall’s gonna take longer to complete.

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

By
James Schlarmann
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Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she’s not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn’t seem as obsessed about trying to take away trans men’s rights.

At any rate, JK Rowling’s not just the world’s most authority on radical anti-transgender feminism. She’s also becoming the world’s foremost Nazi defender. Take for instance when Rowling — who identified herself as “JK” to obfuscate (some might even say “change”) her gender identity from the more feminine-sounding “Joanne” to sell books — recently fended off accusations that transgender people were targeted by Nazis for encampment and extermination. I did not have “the woman who wrote a book about standing up to fascism and bigotry goose-stepping herself in front of Nazi criticisms,” on my 2024 Bingo card, but hey, it’s the 90’s, anything’s possible, right?

Leaning heavily on not being able to find a personally hand-signed order to round up and murder all the transgender people in Germany at the time, Rowling insisted, breathlessly, that trans people were not actual targets of the Final Solution. That, in turn, got Rowling labeled as a Holocaust denier by many who are experts on the subject because, well, without a doubt transgender people were rounded up and killed as part of the Holocaust. It seemed like pretty cut and dried example of someone in way over their skis saying something easily verifiably wrong just to make a politically-charged, biased point.

Writer Rivkah Brown took Rowling’s tweets at face value and tweeted that the children’s book author was being, in fact a Holocaust denier by denying facts about the Holocaust. But Rivkah should have kept two things in mind.

One, Rowling is a billionaire, and in the Western World, we let billionaires be bullies and bigots because, well, “reasons.” Secondly, she should have remembered that she lives in the UK, and as such she’s subject to Britain’s defamation and libel laws, which protect billionaires from the consequences of their own words and actions.

So, Rowling used those laws and threatened Brown with a lawsuit, alleging libel. About a month later, Brown tweeted an apology to Rowling, saying the Holocaust denialism “allegation was false and offensive.” But, to those of us not too rich to upend and eject critical thinking from our brains, it seemed the opposite of false, which I believe, if I’m not mistaken, is true.

It seems like Rowling has the money and the law behind her, and there’s just not much someone who has compassion, empathy, and a human heart will be able to do to call Joanne out for her strident transphobic/Nazi defender cocktail she keeps sucking down like Rudy Giuliani at an open bar hosted by Vlad Putin.

But then, as I was coming home the other day, I came upon something I’d never seen before: a Bald Eagle standing watch, protecting an American flag. As I walked by, the eagle called me over. Needless to say, I was intrigued.

“Hey! Hey, hey you,” the eagle shouted, smoking a joint and listening to Bad Religion on its earpods, “come here. I wanna remind you of something.”

It seemed urgent, so I sidled up to him and asked the Eagle what he wanted.

“Just so you know, and you do with this information whatever you see fit, Jambo,” the eagle began, “but I thought you should really know this. Joanne Rowling can’t use UK laws to silence Americans. The Constitution says she can go fuck herself.”

When I figure out what to do in relation to the Holocaust denier JK Rowling with the information the bald eagle gave me, I’ll update this post.

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Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

By
James Schlarmann
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“…nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he’s deserved his entire life.”

Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought I’d ever have the occasion to run into former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady Hillary Clinton, I would have laughed. I’m a clown, and she’s a…well, I’m not sure what her job title is anymore other than “The Person Who Tried to Warn Us About What Kind of President Trump Would Be.”

The point is, I just didn’t think we’d ever have the chance to run in the same circles, much less the same oxygen supply.

Then, as I was walking around my local WalMart last week, lo and behold, I turn my cart into the aisle with the oatmeal and cereal, and there’s Hill-Dawg, in the same aisle, scanning boxes of Cheerios. Not one to waste an opportunity, I sidled up to Ms. Clinton and introduced myself. She told me it was nice to meet me, and asked if I had a favorite type of Cheerios.

After telling her I still have a soft spot for Honey Nut Cheerios, I asked her what she’s up to these days.

“Oh you know, a little of this and a little of that. Not much, really. Truth be told,” Hillary said, “I’ve got a ton of time on my hands these days.”

So I asked her if there’s anything she’d like to do with her time.

“Not sure, really. But I did reach out to Donald Trump’s legal team the other day,” Clinton told me, a glint in her eye, “and volunteered.”

I asked if she meant that she was thinking of joining Trump’s legal defense team. To that question, Hillary laughed as hard as I’ve ever seen her pretend to laugh on a debate stage. Clearly, I got that exactly wrong.

“You got that exactly wrong,” Hillary confirmed. “No, I called them to tell them that if they’re having a hard time filling up the jury box, that they should call me. Nothing, and I mean nothing, would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he’s deserved his entire life.”

Ms. Clinton told me that even though she doesn’t want to be Trump’s attorney, one of her good friends has said he’s willing to give it a shot.

“Barack told me that he also called Trump’s lawyers and told them if they’d like to have an actual Constitutional scholar on their team, he’s more than willing to volunteer his time,” Hillary informed me. “Apparently though, they only hire people Don wants to finger-blast and/or fellow rich white dudes, and Barack is rich and black, so not sure how that’ll all work out.”

I told Hillary it was both a pleasure to meet her, and surprising to hear her say “finger blast,” and asked if she did get a call back from Trump’s lawyers that she give me a buzz. She said she absolutely would not do that, but took my advice on the Honey Nut Cheerios, so all’s well that ends well in the Land of Satire and Treason.

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The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

By
James Schlarmann
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“…my wife and I weren’t planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However, now that I’m going to be bogged down with extra paperwork if I do, I can say pretty unequivocally we likely won’t be rolling through the state any time soon.”

You can probably imagine my confusion when I opened up the mailbox yesterday afternoon to find an official-looking envelope from the State of Arizona. I don’t live in the state, but there the letter was in my mailbox anyway. As surprising as it was to get mail from Arizona, the really baffling thing was what the envelope contained.

“Dear Sir,” the letter began, “the Supreme Court of Arizona recently upheld an abortion ban that was written during the Civil War era. As one might readily conclude, that ruling effectively gave control of every person’s uterus in the state to their closest male companion, spouse, friend, or significant other. Included in this envelope is the title, or ‘pink slip,’ for your spouse, friend, or significant other’s uterus.”

Reading further, Arizona officials explained why I was getting the pink slip for my wife’s uterus, even though we don’t reside in there.

“You may receive a uterine title  – even if you are not currently residents of the State of Arizona – in case you and a woman you are in a relationship ever visit here. State law will require you to license and register your wife/girlfriend/lover’s uterus and vagina with the official agencies listed on the included info sheet within an hour of crossing state lines.

You will be required at the time of registration to provide proof of ownership of any uteruses in your current possession. Please keep this uterine title safe. However, copies can be purchased for $500, and all proceeds will go the Donald Trump Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fine Fund.”

To be honest, my wife and I weren’t planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However, now that I’m going to be bogged down with extra paperwork if I do, I can say pretty unequivocally we likely won’t be rolling through the state any time soon. If Arizona can figure out how to restore my wife’s agency over her own genitals, though? Who knows, maybe we can go visit the Grand Canyon or something.

For now, I’m just going to put the uterine title in a folder in my filing cabinet where I also have my Antifa membership card and my copies of Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. I figure that way, if the shit goes down, and we need to travel through Arizona for some reason, I’ll know exactly where to find them.

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Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

By
James Schlarmann
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“…when I was researching Hunter’s dick pics again last night, I noticed something I hadn’t seen in the previous six thousand times I’ve looked at them.”

To this very moment, I’m really not sure why she called me, of all people. We’re not friends; we’re not even acquaintances. But for some reason, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene called me up, out of the blue, yesterday, and she told me she wants me to help her spread the word about a new theory she’s got percolating in the salad bowl full of fetid mayo and moldy noodles that is what doctors call her “brain.”

Given that she believes in things like secret space lasers, I couldn’t even begin to guess what her new theory would entail. Then, she laid it on me.

“You know those earthquakes New York City had a couple days ago,” Greene asked me, not hesitating for me to answer before she continued, “Well, I was wrong about them being signs from God, and I want to admit that, publicly, right now.”

Greene said she knows now she was wrong to tweet that she thought the recent Manhattan-based earthquakes were signs from God that America was headed in the wrong direction. Instead, the great-granddaughter of the Confederacy says  she stumbled upon evidence that showed her the true origin of the quakes. That origin?

Hunter Biden’s dick pics.

“It’s just so simple now, really, that I have all the evidence right in front of me. It wasn’t God. God loves America, and he particularly loves Donald Trump, who lives in America, so God prolly wouldn’t strike an American city, even a lib-tarded one like New York, with a quake,” Greene explained. “But when I was researching Hunter’s dick pics again last night, I noticed something I hadn’t seen in the previous six thousand times I’ve looked at them.”

What Marjorie saw, she told me, chilled her right down to her bones. She let out a neigh of anger and stamped her hooves in outrage and sadness in response to what she saw.

“It was there, plain as day! Hunter’s dick has been working directly with George Soros and Barack HUSSEIN Obama to bring this country down from within. First they do the earthquakes, then they do full-blown commie-nism,” Greene insisted. “It’s just, well, it’s so obvious to me and anyone who thinks like I do. I hope that this horse face leading them to water makes the American people drink, but unfortunately the Constitution still says they can do whatever they want as far as voting goes.”

Ms. Greene told me she plans to keep showing people Hunter Biden’s dick until one of two things happens.

“Either seeing Hunter’s dick will convince enough people to go MAGA, or the Supreme Court will rule King Trump is immune from prosecution, and when he’s rightly returned to his throne, he will deal with this entire mess,” Greene said. “I just can’t wait for the American people to finally wake up to the dangers posed by Hunter Biden’s dick.”

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Because of DEI, My Black Friends Don’t Like My Confederate Flag Collection No More

By
Jethro Bohiggins
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The following editorial was written by right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Q. Bohiggins. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Bohiggins are only those of Mr. Bohiggins, and not those of this outlet, its ownership, or staff. 

I seem to be personally hurt by the idea of someone who doesn’t look like me getting a chance to contribute in any meaningful way. And why would I be personally hurt if it wasn’t because I was being literally robbed at gunpoint of something I never knew I had in the first place?

The inevitable backsliding of this country under Democrat – excuse me, DEMONcrat – control continues unabational.

Cultural Marxism, which we all know is the true root of the rot at the core of the liberal mindset, has begun to truly infect every aspect of our lives. Wokism is gone amok. And it is costing us dearly on college campuses and in Hollyweird movies I don’t even know why I care about because they’re all pedo groomer demon worshipers anyway.

But now the price of these George Soros financed Antifa-inspired attacks on the cultural fiber of this great nation I love about 30% of the populace of have taken a very, very personal toll. Thanks to cancel culture and the woke mind virus, I don’t have no black friends anymore. And I blame, as any wise America First MAGA patriot would, DEI.

What’s DEI?

Well, it’s not Don, Eric, and Ivanka, as I had originastically thought. So, I’m gonna get my DEI tramp stamp tattoo lasered off as soon as my Trump Sneakers come in and I can sell them for an enormous profit. If the commies who run the capitalist stock market didn’t force Truth Social to admit how shittily it was run, my $DJT stock alone would prolly cover it. But anyway, I digest. Let’s get back to the topic at hand.

DEI has robbed me of my black friends. Okay, my black friend, singular, but still…it just galls me. Here I thought I had made friends with one of the good ones, and the next thing you know, I’m gettin’ in a full blown argument with her over my collection of confederate flags and memorabilia!

THANKS, OBAMA.

So what is DEI, if it ain’t an arachnid for My Forever President’s three blessed crotch fruit? It means “Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion,” which if you’re like me and follow the teachings of Christ taught in the New King Trump and Greenwood Holy Bible, then you’re quite skeptical. It sounds like commie bullshit, this whole entire notion of loving and including everyone, as if you’re not automatically better than them because you believe in the right God and your skin tone is appropriate devoid of melanin!

And the truth is that it makes me both sad and mad that people don’t seem to get how harmful and reverse-racist DEI policies are! They’re, by design, giving minorities a chance which means they have to be taking SOMETHING away from we whites, right? Isn’t that how it works?

I seem to be personally hurt by the idea of someone who doesn’t look like me getting a chance to contribute in any meaningful way. And why would I be personally hurt if it wasn’t because I was being literally robbed at gunpoint of something I never knew I had in the first place? See what I mean, fam?

There I go digesting again, though. I do apologize. I get so mad about DEI to begin with, but now that I’ve lost my dear black friend over it, I just can’t keep my brain settled enough to explain just why I’m so mad about DEI right now!

So I guess I’ll just leave it there, because I’m sure you all get why DEI is to blame for my black friend not liking my confederate flags or sample of Robert E. Lee’s jizz I got from the vet who did the autopsy on his favorite horse. Why be-Labrador the point, know what I mean?

 

The Easter Bunny Plans to Give Plan-B and Contraceptives to Red State Teenagers

By
James Schlarmann
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“Did you know there have already been thousands of rape pregnancies as a result of letting states ban abortions? [That] sounds absolutely ghoulish to me. And you know who else agrees with me? Jesus.”

You can probably imagine how surprised I was to get the call this week. After all, it’s not that often that one has any interactions with magical creatures, even less so when they’re in the middle of one of their busiest seasons of the year. But, there I was at home when I got the call.

“James? Is this James,” the voice on the other end of the line asked, almost as if they knew already who I was. I confirmed for whoever was on the other end that it was, in fact, James. “I know it is.”

Then came the first surprise of the call.

“This is Roger T. Easterbunniferous, but most people call me The Easter Bunny,” the voice said.

Now, the soft, gentle lilt in the voice made more sense. So did the fact that every so often I’d hear them munching a carrot.

“Anyway, I was just calling because out of the 8 billion people on Earth, you’re literally the best person to break this news for me.”

“What news, Mr. Easterbunniferous,” I asked with breathless anticipation.

“Well, as you know Saturday night I’m gonna be out dumping baskets on kids all over America,” Easterbunniferous told me, “and I thought you might like to know that I have special plans for kids who live in the red states.”

I think he could tell I was still in a bit of shock about getting a call from The Easter Bunny, and therefore still kind of speechless, because Mr. Easterbunniferous just kept right on talking.

“I’m gonna make sure I include Plan-B and contraceptives in every single basket I drop off to teenagers living in states like Alabama, Texas, and Florida. Did you know there have already been thousands of rape pregnancies as a result of letting states ban abortions,” he asked me, “which just sounds absolutely ghoulish to me. And you know who else agrees with me?”

He didn’t give me much of a chance to think before answering his own question.

“Jesus. That’s who. Jesus Hubert Christ told me he thinks this is a great idea,” Easterbunniferous  said proudly. “He told me he can’t figure out who in the Hell gave all those Christian fundies down here the idea that he wants women to be sex slaves from the age they start their periods, so he told me not only does this have his blessing, he put me in touch with the folks who make Plan-B and they gave me an incredibly good bulk rate on those pills.”

Easterbunniferous told me he had to get going, but he said he was grateful that I’d help him get the word out about what he was giving red state teens this year.

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Want to Read Some Excerpts From The New Bible Trump Is Selling?

By
James Schlarmann
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When one looks at the life and times of Donald J. Trump, one can’t help but get the image of a truly Christ-loving, America First patriot. At least that’s what those of us who have had a brain lobe removed and/or who listened to Rush Limbaugh for three decades (same thing, really, medically speaking) know and believe. So when Mr. Trump announced this week that he was teaming up with singer Lee Greenwood to release the “God Bless the USA Bible,” which can be yours for only $60, it made total sense to me.

Granted, we all know that if Barack Obama or Joe Biden or Hillary Clinton released their own Bibles, American Christian Conservatives would rightly call that “blasphemous.” However, we also all know that when a rich, white Republican man does something, it’s automatically good. Ergo, the Trump/Greenwood Bible is A-OK.

Now, given that Sleepy Bo-Beepy Biden’s economy is so bad we can’t even afford $400 a month in Let’s Go Brandon merch AND food, I figured I’d get my hands on an advanced copy of the Bibleible, and for those of you who Biden has assaulted with full-blown Commie-Nism, you can read some excerpts from it.

So here now are some of my favorite passages from the God Bless the USA Bible.

“In the beginning, the world was full of losers and haters. Then, God said, ‘Let there be Trump,’ and everything was bigly better forever, Amen.” – Genesis 1:1-2

“Then God rested on the seventh day, because he’s not smart enough to know he should have spent all seven days on the golf course pretending to work and shouting at the press about injecting bleach, or whatever.” – Genesis 1:66-69

“Have no other Trumps before me.” Exodus 12:54

“Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife, but thou shall covet thy son-in-law’s wife. Hard. Covet the fuck outta that ass.” – Exodus 20:17

“And Jesus wept because Donald Trump actually won the 2020 election, but those cuck Democrats just kept counting legally cast ballots because they’re assholes.” – John 11:35

“If your name is Ivanka, turn the other cheek and let Daddy see what you had for breakfast.” – Matthew 5:38-48

“Lo, there will be one day a baby born to a pair of rich racists, when a man in a white hood mounts and lays with a confederate flag draped over a flaming cross. His name will be Donald, and he will one day have children dumber than he is, somehow, though one he shall want to pipe out. Hard.” – Mark 5:24-45

“The Good Samaritan was a commie bitch.” – Luke 10:25

“Treat the stranger in your land like a brown-skinned little terrorist.” – MAGA 666:1-2

“It is easier for a rich man to fit through an eye of a needle because he has a lot of money and can just pay some idiot in a red hat to tell everyone he fit his fat ass through that needle’s eye.” – Bannon 5:45-47

“If math hurts your feelings, storm a capitol about it.” –  The Book of Stephen Miller 4:3

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I Applaud Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Efforts to Free My Antifa Brethren From Jail

By
James Schlarmann
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“…imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring campaign and kept talking about my captured Antifa brethren.”

Just over three years ago, an angry, unruly mob attacked the nation’s capitol. Very few in our government had the kind of intelligence it takes to see that attack for what it was: A coordinated assault planned and carried out by Antifa operatives. But there was one congresspony from Georgia who not only called it for what it was back then, she has been working tirelessly to get those Antifa soldiers freed from prison while they await trial for their participation in the January 6th insurrection.

And you know what? I applaud her for that.

As a card carrying member of Antifa, Inc., I was quite sad when I wasn’t able to go to D.C. and take part in the operation. I even sent Lord George Soros an email apologizing for not being able to make it, and I CC’d Robert Antifa, our CEO and President. So, imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring campaign and kept talking about my captured Antifa brethren. After all, she’s definitely not someone on our side in most things. She’s very anti-Antifa, actually, which we assumed just made her a regular ol’ fascist, but since Marjorie can’t stop bringing them up and advocating for their release, maybe we were wrong about her?

They say politics makes for strange bedfellows, but I don’t think even Lord Soros or his second in command Barack HUSSEIN Obama could have predicted that Marjorie would be such a staunch ally for our imprisoned warriors. Everyone knows that Antifa is a very real, physical organization with org charts and membership IDs and everything, so when someone from outside our very real organization, who doesn’t have an ID and doesn’t know our secret handshake, joins our cause, it’s something to take notice of.

While I really couldn’t tell you why a racist, Jesus Freak nerd like Marjorie would join our anti-fasicst movement, I do have three theories, and I’ll close by giving them to you, and you can tell me if you think any of my theories hold water.

  1. Marjorie Taylor Greene has been a sleeper cell operative for Antifa since the very beginning, and deserves some kind of Oscar for only pretending to be a fascist.
  2. George Soros got to Marjorie and paid her enough in cash and oats to convince her to join our cause.
  3. Marjorie Taylor Greene is a cynical fucking moron who will say whatever she thinks she has to “own the libs” and please her orange tinted, daughter-lusting boyfriend.

Maybe I’m way off. Who knows?

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