WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shortly after being sworn-in officially as the 45th President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump donned a ceremonial band leader’s costume and got in front of a large marching band, leading it to the White House. The marching band was compromised of horns of every shape and size, including more than seventy trombones. Witnesses say the trombones were “going oompa up and down the square.”
“I’m going to lead this great, big, band down the streets of Washington D.C., and to the White House,” Trump said as he put on a hate with a very large feather protruding from its top,”where I’m going to lead this little boys band I formed and taught how to play their musical instruments.”
After he gets done conducting his boys band, Trump said he will immediately start the work of bringing manufacturing jobs back to the rust belt.
“Well, they’ve got jobs trouble out there in the trust belt,” Trump said, “and that’s jobs trouble with a T, and that rhymes with P, and um, um. Pee. Gosh I love pee. It’s so warm and wet, especially when it’s shooting out of a Russian’s vag — pardon me, lost track of where I was for a second. Anyway, they have jobs trouble in the rust belt, and I know exactly how to fix it.”
President Trump then laid out what he called “just a tiny bit” of his vision for the rust belt, the area with key swing states that went from blue to red last year and gave him the election.
“I’m going to bully and threaten businesses to force them to bring their operations back here to America,” Trump said, “because after eight years of Obama picking winners and losers and Republicans calling him out for it even though he wasn’t really doing that, it’s time for me to do it, but you know, better. And if that doesn’t work, then the men in the towns can just build the instruments for my big boys band, you see?”
When the marching band was in place, Trump raised his staff high up in the air, blew his whistle four times, and set the whole group off toward the White House. When they arrived, he held up his hands and the band settled into place, raising their instruments. Trump began waving his arms in time, conducting the band. But his hands were so small that after roughly three rows of musicians, no one could see his hands to keep time, and they all fell out of time.
Then, as the band continued to “play,” it became apparent that they nearly all of them had no idea how to hold their instrument correctly, much less play it with any skill. Trump said, when asked by press pool reporters, that the band was playing beautifully and it was the “bad ears” of the “fake news reporters” that were mishearing the “beautiful music.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Trump said defiantly, “I taught this band to play, they’re playing perfectly, I’m going to bring back jobs, and make America great again, and I’m — hey, have I been naked this whole time?”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.