I of course am openly rooting for an Obama victory. I happen to think he’s easily deserving of a second term. However, being the eternal optimist that I am, I’ve been trying to figure out if there are any upsides to a President Mitt Romney reality. And I think I’ve got give upsides here that we should all be very thankful for, should Romney win in a few days.
#5. “Top Gun,” “Red Dawn” and “Spies Like Us” Reboots
Hey, maybe it won’t all be bad, guys! If Romney wins, don’t forget that he’s called Russia our “number one geopolitical foe” so all those awesome movies we love from the 1980s that center around our Cold War conflict with the Soviet Union will be rebooted. I mean, Hollywood will still be completely bereft of new ideas, or at least of the desire to go and find artists with new ideas. And it clearly doesn’t matter to Romney that the U.S.S.R. doesn’t exist anymore and Russia is most definitely not our number one geopolitical foe, so I say let’s dust the mothballs off the “Rocky” script where Ivan Drago and Rocky Balboa wind up as buddy cops, trying to find the missing nuclear missile somewhere in Siberia.
#4. A Boom In the Rape Classification Industry
Vice-President Ryan’s first task will be to help draft a stimulus bill (he’s used to being a big spender under Dubya’s administration after all) for a new leader of the American economy under President Mitt Romney: the rape classification industry. After all, once they get a couple more conservative Supreme Court Justices sworn in, Roe. V. Wade will be out the door, and we’ll need private sector companies to help the government decide whether your loved one is really a rape victim, or a participant in an “unintended sex activity that resulted in a gift from God.” Talk about a win-win for both society and our economy!
#3. Jobs Growth Will Explode…In The Caymans and Switzerland
With the twenty percent tax cut that the richest Americans will also receive, think of all that extra money The One Percent will have to hide away from Uncle Sam instead of being duly taxed on it! There will be such a need for more bank tellers in the Cayman islands and in Switzerland, those two countries alone will feel a big debt to the United States. And who else would you want going into battle with you than two tiny countries whose sole purpose seems to be helping plutocrats and oligarchs withhold money from the very system that made them plutocrats and oligarchs in the first place?
#2. Unemployment Will Plummet…Among Seniors
Romney and Ryan say that they don’t want touch Medicare for seniors that are already on it. And they have certainly not given us any reasons at all to doubt their voracity, right? But that doesn’t mean that people who are under 60 won’t need to keep working to help pay for voucherizing Medicare. So good news, America! We’re going to get those old folks back working at least two jobs to help pay for their existence, no matter how long they worked and contributed to our country’s economy before. Thanks, Mitt and Paul!
#1. Minorities and Women Can Stop Stressing Out So Much
Man have the gays, blacks, Latinos, and women been getting all persnickety lately or what? It’s always “Stop denying our civil liberties” here or “Stop paying us less than our male counterparts” there or “Stop harassing for identification” over there with them isn’t it? At least we know under a Romney/Ryan presidency, things like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness will be right back where they belong: relegated to the majority and the lucky few in the minority we deem worthy to have them. Wait. What’s that? Women make up more than half the population and Latinos will easily eclipse Caucasians in population size in our lifetime? Oh well, just one more thing for President Romney to fix on his first day in office, right?