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George W. Bush did a lot of damage to our reputation abroad. He was a lightning rod for criticism in the post-9/11 days because he went from a rational and sane response (i.e we find, capture or kill Osama Bin Laden in Afghanistan, or wherever he may be) to a war mongering cowboy, unwilling to be diplomatic in even the slightest meaning of the word. We’ve always had a tentative relationship with the rest of the world because of how we chose to flex our muscle in the time that followed World War II, but Bush basically made us look like a bunch of arrogant, jock douchebags; and that’s precisely what our foreign policy looked like. It’s like Dubya bought a Ford F-150, raised it, and then stuck a backwards baseball cap on his thick skull and drove around the world, ‘froadin’ and giving the finger to anyone who said, “Hey, calm down, bro.”
Make no mistake, should Romney win next week, we’re going right back there. So I thought it might be fun to think about exactly what the rest of the world will point at us and laugh about when it comes to President Mitt Romney, and here’s the best five.
#5. Mitt Believes He Gets His Own Planet After He Dies
Below the belt? Maybe. But come on, people. Mitt Romney ascribes himself to a faith that promises him his very own inter-stellar kingdom, and he believes we all come from the planet Kolob. I know here in America we’re rightfully trained to be respectful of everyone’s bat-shit-crazy theories on where we come from, and I’m not suggesting we stop being tolerant. What I’m suggesting is that Mormonism is a uniquely American fairy tale, and therefore to the rest of the world, who have been believing in much, much older mythologies for much, much longer time, we’ll just have elected the latest snake oil salesman in a long line of snake oil salesmen.
#4. The 47% Video
What kind of idiotic populace votes for a guy who was caught on tape taking a massive dump all over half them? And to add insult to injury, it’s a sure-fire bet that among that 47% of people upon which Mitt heaped everything that’s wrong with this country, are some of his very supporters. The world will point and laugh at the fact that we willingly elected someone who disrespected half of us before he was sworn in.
#3. The Etch-A-Sketch Worked
America will look like the biggest, most gullible bunch of hayseeds and rubes if we allow a man to spend two years moving further and further to the right to out-conservative the cavalcade of clowns that were the 2012 Republican primary candidates, and then to just flip a switch in the first debate, change his tune transparently, and we still elect the bastard. It’s not even a very good magic trick, since we can all see how he’s palming the ping-pong ball as he claims it’s vanished from sight. Shiny objects are like heroin to Republican voters, apparently.
It’s the hushed whispers you hear from the right wing about Obama’s “legitimacy” as the American President that are most disgusting about our current political climate. Never before has any president had their actual heritage question throughout his term, to the point that a substantial number of voters, albeit ignorant, racist, stupid voters, actually believe that Obama has no legitimate claim to the Oval Office. By electing Mitt Romney, America will be sending a signal that yes, it’s okay to say all kinds of unfounded and racist shit about a man in an effort to rip him from office, and that will be scar left on our cheeks for a lifetime. Birtherism should be stuffed in the same closet as slavery, essentially. We’re never going to rid ourselves of racists and Birthers, but we need to make them feel so unwelcome in the open that they’re forced way, way underground. A victory for Romney would just give all the birthers a larger pulpit, a louder bullhorn, a taller mountain to shout their bullshit from, and the rest of the world would point and laugh at the dumb, racist Americans. Again.
#1. Didn’t Learn Our Lesson The Last Time
This is probably the most damning and laughable of all the items on the list, even more so than Birtherism’s stink. It’s easy to say that still just a fringe element of the GOP believes the Kenyan Socialist bullshit, but Romney winning would signal to the rest of the world that eight years of endless wars, dangerously low taxes and socially oppressive policies wasn’t enough for Americans to learn their lesson. Half our country sidled back up the bar and ordered a double-shot of trickle down with an austerity chaser. Bull-headed as Republicans are, they will gladly drag us kicking and screaming back into the Bush era, and the other civilized nations in the world will have no choice but to shake their heads and laugh at our massive failure to learn from our own mistakes.