RED FERN, OHIO — Pete Morris is 38-years-old and describes himself as an “average” voter. He says he doesn’t classify himself as either a Democrat or a Republican, but rather an “issues voter” that approaches each ballot cast on its own merits. Recently, Morris says he was feeling suicidal while thinking of the 2016 presidential election.
“For starters,” Morris told our reporter, “this election hasn’t just been taking place this year. Right after Obama was elected in 2012, pundits started sizing up whether Hillary or Jeb would run, and from there it snowballed. That was four years ago.”
Morris said the incessant speculation that reporters and professionals whose job it is to cover politics did over this year’s election was “tough to handle” at times, but he says that when a certain candidate entered the race early in 2015, it seemed to “slow down time” and the last 18 months have felt like “an eternity of being gang raped by an orange Muppet with a super-glue covered dildo.”
“I remember seeing Trump come down that escalator,” Pete told us, “and at first I just laughed. It was so stiff and weird. Then he opens his pie hole up about Mexicans and I thought there went his chances, right there. There are so many people of color in this country, and we have so many amazing members of our society that are either Mexican, or of some other Hispanic or Latino origins, that I thought his goose was cooked. Boy was a wrong.”
Over the next several weeks, Morris says he grew more and more despondent. He says he kept thinking the Republicans — whom he says he’s voted for from time to time in his life — would “wake up and smell the diarrhea” when it came to their “nightmare abortion of a candidate.” Alas, that moment never happened, and instead, Morris says he’s been “horrified and shocked” at the kind of people who have “come out of the derpy, racist woodwork” to support Trump.
“I’m not a big Twitter guy,” Morris says, “but I decided to go on there and see what people were saying. I replied to one tweet from Trump calling him an embarrassment or something, and I got flooded with tweets calling me a cuck, accusing me of being a Jew loving beta male, and the list just goes on and on.” Morris says that this year’s Trump rallies have shown him “we have so much farther to go as a country when it comes to healing our racist wounds.”
Pete doesn’t give the Democrats much of a pass either.
“I mean, I’m glad that they didn’t nominate a fascist with a shitty hair piece,” Morris concedes, “but no Democrat should feel all that great about how their party machinery behaved. I’m not saying that every one of Bernie Sanders’ proposals were feasible or right, but there’s no way an honest person can’t see the cold, cynical, purely political way that the DNC treated large numbers of voters, many of whom were politically activated for the first time ever.”
Growing more and more depressed at the state of the nation, and the election he says “just wouldn’t fucking end,” Pete says he went down to a gun shop, bought a gun, and went home with it. He says as he was loading the revolver with a single round, he just kept thinking about how hard it was going to be to suffer through this election for the rest of his life. He says he placed the gun in his mouth, closed his eyes, and then heard a commentator on a cable news show mention there were just barely five weeks left until Election Day.
“Hearing that man say we’re down to the last month or so before the election,” Pete said, “was like a fog being lifted. All of a sudden, the dark tunnel that I was falling into had a pinprick of light at the end of it.”
Mr. Morris says that while he’s comforted by the election being in the “home stretch” he’s holding onto his pistol “just in case.”
“I don’t think he’s going to win,” Pete said, “and the polls certainly make it look like he’s going to get hammered, but just in case Trump wins, I want to keep the gun around. Something tells me four years of a Trump presidency will make me very glad I held onto it.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.