5 Ways America Will Be Better Under President Teddy Cruz

Sure, it’d be really easy to get panicked about the idea of “President Theodore Cruz.” But a) it’s not going to happen guys, seriously and b) you might not have realized it yet, but there are probably a million ways that America could be a better place with that partisan-blind hack running the show. We put together this list for you to demonstrate that fact.

5 Ways America Will Be Better Under President Teddy Cruz

marriage-equality#5. Gays/Women/Minorities Will All Be Far Less Uppity

God, we get it already, LGBT community! You’re oppressed. You’re looked at sideways by a huge swath of Americans. You’re “other”ized all the time, and in over a dozen states you still can’t get married. But man, do you have to grouse about your systemic discrimination so much? It just makes it so much harder for those of us in the majority subsets of the populace to enjoy your built-in privilege when we’re being constantly bombarded with reminders about how you’re at a distinct disadvantage and being treated anything but equally. President Ted Cruz knows that to get America back on the right path, we have no choice but to treat people differently for things that have no impact on ourselves and that those people have no control over.

Women will also have to shut up about making less than men. For starters, it’ll be harder to hear them when President Cruz signs his executive order remanding all uterus owners to the kitchen where they belong. Secondly, why are you all so worried about what your male counterpart makes. Just be thankful the boys let you guys in their club, ladies.

And don’t even get Teddy started on the minority groups who look for handouts instead of finding their magic boot straps that they can use to haul themselves out of generation after generation of purposeful, forced confinement to poverty and sub-equality…

PALIN_ATTENTION_WHORE.png#4. America Will Finally See What a Palin Presidency Would Look Like

Admit it, you’ve been sort of wondering what would have happened if Americans had accidentally smashed themselves in their skulls with ball-peen hammers before Election Day 2008, put John McCain in power and then he stroked out or otherwise left his Vice-President to assume office. A Palin Presidency is truly a nightmare that no one wants to live through, but like a trainwreck or a Britney Spears “performance,” you just can’t look away. Ted Cruz is like Sarah Palin with testicles. Compare their reality-deprived rhetoric side-by-side and you pretty much have the same person talking.

So that’s why electing Teddy might be fun — we’d finally get to see how Palin would run the country. And what’s the worst that could happen? Total economic ruination while he tries to drag the whole country into Sunday School together so we can ignore climate change, the horrible drug war, and the myriad of other real issues that make Americans’ lives miserable on the daily?

tedcruz#3. America Will Finally Have the Imam It Always Wanted

Sure, we live in a country where historically we have striven to keep the messy natures of politics and religion separate. Sure, that is a prudent and wise philosophy, given how easy it is for both politics and religion to be used to abuse and subjugate the masses. And sure, keeping church and state separate for over 238 years has done us quite well so far, but, why not throw all that out and try something new and different?

Senator Cruz has lately gone on the attack against anti-discrimination laws, standing up as he says for the right of religious people to express their religious freedom. In President Cruz’s America, not only will cake shops not have to bake cakes for gay couples, they can call their friendly local police department to come round the gay couple up and put them behind bars. Because thanks to the American Theocracy that President Cruz will lead us into, paradigms like sodomy laws and codified bigotry are all the rage, and totally evocative of what true, red-blooded, patriotism looks like.

shrug#2. Because “Fuck It”

Hey, you know what? Maybe almost 239 years is a good run for a country. Maybe at the end of it all, it’s time for America to just free fall into utter and complete right-wing insanity. Who cares that a decade of gay marriage in Massachusetts proves nothing harmful comes from letting adults marry whomever they want? Who cares that the economy has recovered — albeit sluggishly and not in all the right areas — to pre-crash levels? Who cares that the war on drugs was an abysmal failure that only managed to move young black men from the plantations to the penitentiaries? Ted Cruz knows it’s time to reverse all the progress, frack the Grand Canyon and start a war with Iran, and maybe it’s time to just let the inmates run the asylum.

Why? Because “fuck it,” that’s why.

Dubya#1. America’s Always Her Best With a Moron “From Texas” At The Helm

As we all learned from the Golden Age of 2001-2009, America really is at its absolute best when a rich elitist from somewhere outside of Texas claims the Lonestar State as their birthright and then charges head-first into the White House. Think of all the amazing and historical things we witnessed and went through with the Bush II Administration. Now, fast forward eight years and doesn’t seem like the absolutely smartest idea to go right back into it all?

Wars of choice! Culture wars over whether or not two adults have the right to marry each other! Tax cuts for the wealthiest among us while the poorest are made to feel like leeches for daring to ask for help feeding their kids! Who knows, maybe even another recession. Republican presidents are great at being in office when a recession happens, and the best part is that they always get to blame the Democrats in Congress. Talk about a win-win.

If eight years of one slack-jawed moron “from Texas” can get us the Great Recession, two unfunded wars, one illegal war and a shit load of anti-American hostility, imagine what someone who gives even less fucks about climate change, gender equality, marriage equality, ending the War on Drugs, international relations, corporate money’s influence on politics and reality itself could do!

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