No one should be surprised that I, Donald J. Motherfuckin’ Trump has catapulted to the top of the Republican polls. I’m loud, I’m in your face, and I say dumb things loudly and in your face. That’s what makes me the cream dream candidate for a party that is loud and obnoxiously hubris-filled over their flouting of scientific facts like climate change or a fetus being a person. But anyway, some losers have been saying that I will get my clock cleaned in the debates, thus doing my duty to make Jeb! look smart and electable by comparison. You know what I say to them?
Shut up, losers. That’s what I say to them. Because winners know what to say. And that’s what you say to losers. But you know what? I already know I’m going to win this debate thing this week, because over the years I have mastered many things. One of those things is filling out federal bankruptcy forms. The other is debates. I have a five point system for winning them, and I’m going to do all you jerk-ass losers a favor and share my debate tips with your right now, gratis.
You’re welcome, already.
#5. Call Your Opponent(s) Total Losers
This one’s a no brainer. It’s super easy to make the audience think you’re the winner when you address everyone as “loser.” Like when Jeb! says something to me this week that I can’t respond to because I don’t really have the intellect necessary to keep up, I’ll turn to him and say, “Only a total loser would ask a question like that,” or, “Losers talk like that. I’m a winner. Next question.” In fact, I’m going to call Teddy Cruz “Teddy Lose.” Get it? ’cause it rhymes. God I’m amazing, aren’t I?
#4. Make Sure You Intimate Your Opponent(s) is/are Communist(s)
This trick works in every debate, but it’ll work even more perfectly in the Republican debates because Republicans still think it’s the 1950’s and we’re in a Cold War with Russia or whatever. I myself don’t differentiate between losers, so if you’re a commie loser, to me you’re no different than a regular loser. See, I’m like Jesus that way. All (but me) have sinned and fall short of the Glory of Trump.
#3. Remind Your Opponent(s) They’re Total Losers
This is very important. A lot of loser amateurs will call their opponents losers once or twice and then not do it again the whole debate. I say you have to keep hammering home the fact that you are up against Grade-A Morons. They’ll say you’re resorting to ad hominem, but that’s when you get to use one of my patented comebacks. “Your mom is an ad hominem.” Goddamn I’m funny and witty.
#2. Randomly “Fire” Your Opponents
This one is really one of all time, ‘ugest favorites. I know this is my catchphrase, but you can feel free to use it, as long as you pay the licensing fee to Trump Corp of course. Once you’ve tendered your payment to us, you can feel free to fire everyone, not just your debate opponents. I don’t get through a day where I don’t fire at least 16 people, and you better believe if you make me your president like you goddamned well better, that I will step that up and fire at least 50 people a day.
#1. Declare Yourself The Winner. Boom. Done.
It’s so simple, no wonder so many losers don’t know how to do it. The easiest way to win anything is to declare yourself the winner. Sure, some loser-ass losers may point to a scoreboard or you know, some other version of reality to show that you didn’t in fact win, but they’re losers! Of course they’re gonna drag you down. It’s just like when you, say, file for bankruptcy more than four times and still claim to be a genius businessman, and even have the balls to insult poor people for taking help from the government even though incorporation and bankruptcy are both literally the government helping you. See? I am a winner. A super-smart winner. Always. If you don’t believe me — fuck you. And don’t forget to vote for me. Or fuck you for that too. Just sayin’.