Honestly, I almost feel kind of sad for Republican voters. In 2010 they shifted so far to the right that it gave us the cast of buffoons and dullards that was the 2012 Republican Primaries. And what they wound-up with was a wishy-washy, rudderless man without a strong ethical core. Or you know, George Bush III. Mitt Romney, in any other election cycle, in any other era, would have been laughed right out of the primaries. But in this new era, what’s very clear is that the NeoCons are still running the party, and they have their formula down. A milquetoast personality in their chief executive which will allow them to install a hard right ideologue as the VP is their current M.O. But interestingly enough, their VP choice this time isn’t super old with a titanium heart, so there’s a chance of a dynasty if they can get Willard into the White House.
But in order for real, genuine Republicans to vote for Romney, something has to be off. They have to swallow their ideals, hold their nose, and hope that Romney plays ball so that Ryan and the NeoCon cabinet that a President Romney would most certainly install can get to work turning us into the model of Austerity for the New World. I can actually hear the erection forming in Paul Ryan’s pants over that prospect, can’t you?
So here are the five things every Republican voter must suffer from in some way, shape, or form in order to actually vote for Mitt Romney.
#5. They Suffer From Short-Term Memory Loss
The first presidential debate, which marked the debut of Moderate Mitty, was less than a month ago, and right up until he walked out onto that stage in Denver, Mitt had pandered to the absolute farthest right he could. In the primary debates he talked about self-deportation, and repealing Roe V. Wade. In stump speeches and in that famous “47% Video,” Mitt all but promised massive tax cuts to the wealthy. He flipped on all of that in the first debate, and the only reason I can assume Republicans aren’t rioting in the streets is that they themselves forgot what Mitt was saying just a day before the first debate.
#4. They Suffer From Medium-Term Memory Loss
And there’s the idea that they’d vote for the same economic policies that nearly crippled our economy in the first place. I might be crazy, but after having been a Republican for the first twenty or so years of my life, I can’t imagine being proud of Bush II’s economic record. It was rampant spending, needless inflating of government with the Department of Homeland Security, and even outside of the economic factors, the Patriot Act was the single biggest trampling of our freedoms and rights that any President has instituted perhaps since Lincoln suspended the writ of habeas corpus. And at least then the country was in the middle of a Civil War. Apparently though, GOP voters have completely forgotten what an absolute train wreck Bush/Cheney was, because they’re all set to vote for the shitty sequel in about a week or so.
#3. They Suffer From Long-Term Memory Loss
It’s not just the relatively recent past that Republicans seem to have had wiped out of their memory banks, it’s pretty much everything that doesn’t fit their current objective: defeating President Obama. Their patron saint, Ronald Reagan, would most assuredly be too moderate or even “Progressive” for their tastes. The man tripled the debt, expanded the size of government during a recession, and raised taxes over ten times…oh, and he also helped arm and train the man who would become our number one enemy, Osama Bin Laden. (Whoops!) So in the haze of over thirty years, apparently Reagan has become a model Conservative, slashing government and taxes and creating a huge boom. Except his economy went bust and George H.W. Bush paid the price for it too. Reagan was no saint, and he sure as well wouldn’t be today’s GOP nominee, not with his record. Although, if they can put up with flip-flopping Mitt, who knows what they’d be willing to do for that old bag of bones and hair.
#2. Facts Are Less Important To Them Than Rhetoric
Setting aside their obvious memory issues, there’s something very important to understand about the current GOP voting bloc: reality is a secondary concern to political objective. When presented with fact after fact about Obama’s recovery, we’re told that either the numbers are cooked, or they’re cherry-picked. But meanwhile, every economic indicator is indeed trending in the right direction. And more importantly, had a Republican president inherited the economy that Barack Obama did, and had that Republican president been able to put a floor under the free fall, grow the economy by almost six million jobs, and save one of the most important industries in American manufacturing, the GOP would be wetting themselves with delight to tout that record. Reality takes a backseat to rhetoric now, and who knows if that’s going to ever change, but we should all hope it does. America benefits when both major parties are at least dealing with the same deck of cards; the GOP is still over at the nickel slots trying to hit a jackpot though.
#1. See Numbers 5 Through 2
Really, truly, the candidacy of Mitt Romney will go down in history as one of the most cynical, comical and ultimately if he wins, embarrassing moments in American history. The man is blatantly running as a completely different person than he was just a few weeks ago, and apparently for some Americans, that’s just fine with them. The idea that a man who has built his career on tanking businesses, shoving jobs overseas and handing tax payers with a bill to compensate the American laborers he fucked-over would be better for the economy than a man who actually helped pull the world’s largest economy out of a fucking free fall is astounding to me. And yet, that’s exactly what Romney voters are saying. Unless part of shepherding an economy entails hiding money in offshore accounts, of course. If that’s part of the deal, Romney may just be the guy for the job after all.