Two mass shootings in a matter of a couple of weeks. In other words, things couldn’t be any safer, could they? Nothing says “we’re an evolved and advanced society” like two deranged gunmen killing several people with completely legally purchased weapons. Nothing says, “America, Fuck Yeah!” like an alleged white supremacist killing six innocent people as they entered a temple. We’re not a society with an unhealthy love of guns; I have no idea what would give anyone that impression.
Okay, so maybe in light of the two recent shootings we should introduce some new regulations. Maybe for the sake of everyone’s safety, we should put some reasonable restrictions in place to try and prevent this terrible kind of tragedy from ever happening again. Oh, but I know it’d be the absolutely worst and most terrible thing in the world to introduce new ways to control how quickly and easily weapons can be purchased; and it’s certainly just the worst idea ever to restrict the kinds of weapons ordinary people can buy. So instead, I have five suggestions for things to regulate other than guns. I think you’ll agree these are much better options.
#1. Regulate Certain Kinds of Religions
Even though some of us are smart enough to know the obvious and numerous differences between Sikhs and Muslims, your average mass-shooter may not. In the wake of 9/11, Sikhs have been the targets of several hate crimes. So of course any logical person would conclude where the problem lies: Sikhs. Clearly what’s needed is sweeping reform of religions that are practiced by an overwhelming number of non-whites. I’m not advocating we make these religions completely illegal, just that we put some sensible restrictions on when and where they can be practices. Since we all know no crimes or atrocities have been perpetrated in the name of Christianity, it’s best to tamp down on religions that scare the white folk in this country. Besides, there’s no law that says we can’t tell Americans when and where they can practice their religion right?
#2. Regulate What Kinds of Movies Can Be Made and Shown
Obviously since it’s totally ludicrous to even entertain discussions on how to make guns a little harder to get their hands onto, allowing more research to be done on each person applying to own a gun, we should instead limit the kinds of movies Hollywood can make. The Aurora shooting took place in a theater that was showing a violence-laced film about an armed vigilante fighting other armed criminals. Clearly the problem is with the movies that are being seen, not in how easy it is to purchase a weapon that can be used to kill someone. Why not just tell artists what they can or can’t depict in their films? Don’t call it censorship, call it “sensibleship.” There’s no law that says we can’t tell Americans what they can or can’t say, right?
#3. Regulate and Re-Define What “General Welfare and Domestic Tranquility” Mean
Look, we could as a country take a step back and ask ourselves honestly if the right to bear arms doesn’t also imply a duty to install proper regulations and monitoring laws that allow us to make sure as best we can that guns are safely purchased, licensed, and tracked. Or we could look at our Constitution to make some other minor tweaks. For instance, do we really deserve general welfare? Life is hard. Life is tough. Who is the government to try and change the natural laws of the universe and try to protect our general well-being? And really, what does domestic tranquility have to do with people shooting each other in the streets, in movie theaters, on college campuses, and temples?
#4. Regulate Bullets To Only Kill Bad Guys
How come in 2012 we haven’t found a way to alter the laws of physics and/or biology? It seems to me like the real point of failure in these cases isn’t how easily anyone can purchase an implement of death. It’s the fact that we haven’t figured out how to make bullets not kill people we don’t want them to. So we just need to make it a law that bullet manufacturers have to design bullets that only kill guilty people. To make it easier, we can define “guilty” as anything ranging from capital murder to maybe double-dipping your chip into the guacamole at a party. That seems to be the full-range of assholes in America, right?
#5. Regulate The Word “Shooting”
Okay, so maybe all those other ideas aren’t so good, or not “Constitutional” or whatever. But maybe we could stop being the nation with the highest number of these mass shootings if we just change the meaning of the word “shooting” in secret. Let’s make it “cupcake baking.” So instead of turning on the TV and hearing “Another mass shooting in America today…” you’ll hear, “And another mass cupcake baking in America today, ten dead, several more injured.” Everyone else around the world will assume it was some horrible explosion at the Duncan Hines factory or something. Sure, we’ll all still know what happened, but at least we’ll look like we’re trying to be responsible humans.