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Funny Business House Speaker Boehner Holds Weekly News Conference

Published on September 19th, 2013 | by James Schlarmann

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5 Things That John Boehner Will Do During The Government Shutdown


Word on the street is that House Republcians are going to ignore common sense and recent history, pushing to shut down the government if Obamacare isn’t defunded. People on both the right and the left have been saying what a monumentally stupid idea that is, but being Republicans, they have an outdated and anti-populist opinion damn it, and they’re going to make that opinion known, regardless of what it does to the country.

But what will House Speaker John Boehner do with all this down time? I have some ideas, tell me what you think.

#5. He’ll Get His Scotch Changed

Just like your car needs an oil change every few thousand miles, Speaker of the House John Boehner needs his scotch changed every few fiscal crises. This time is no exception, so once the government shuts down, that will provide all the time Boehner needs to have the current flow of booze, cigarettes and Jack Kemp’s “essence” in his veins drained and replace with fresh, 21-year-old scotch. Of course he’ll also have the stick up his ass rotated as well as have a new bullshit nozzle attached.

#4. He’ll Have His Top Coat Re-”Oranged”

It takes lots and lots of maintenance to keep Boehner’s coat so orange and shiny. He has a team of the top auto-body painters in the nation, trained in all the finest pigments (of orange) that keep his paint job sparkling throughout those long days and nights of not doing jack-shit. But shutting the government down affords him an opportunity to get some routine maintenance done a little earlier in the year. Normally during his Christmas break, Boehner is taken back to the manufacturing plant in Ohio where he was assembled, stripped of all the layers of orange touch-up, and down to just primer. Then he is systematically re-painted so that when he comes back to work, he’s as burned and disgusting looking as he ever has been.

#3. Crazy Greco-Roman Style Orgy/Wrestling Tourney With Paul Ryan and Darrell Issa

Oh sure, they’re all staunch conservatives, opposed to marriage equality — and really just the idea of “equality” itself — but man do Boehner, Paul Ryan and Issa love to get together and do it. Being the upstanding standard-bearers of “traditional values” and holding firm to their 1950′s style social policies, they make sure to hide their lust for each other’s sweaty legislative bodies by couching it as a wrestling tournament. Of course, there are only three contestants, they’re all completely nude from the start and Issa always has to be reminded not to “fall in love” at the end of the weekend, but they can plausibly deny any sexual activity because they make sure to hire a referee. For their orgy.

Oh, wait, I’m sorry that’s all wrong. Apparently they’re just going to get together and talk about fucking over the rest of the country, not just each other. I’m still thinking the orgy/wrestling tourney could happen, but I don’t want to give out false information here, do I?

#2. Practice Giving the Middle Finger to Poor People and Minorities

The GOP has done everything they can legislatively to keep poor people and minorities down. They’ve steadfastly defended the War on Drugs. They’ve held up the farm bill that gets passed every year because now they want to strip it of the food stamp funding it normally gets to you know, “help” starving people. Nothing says “rugged individualism” like “my daughter can’t eat breakfast before kindergarten,” right? Right. Then there’s all that awesome voter suppression and intimidation in an effort to keep the Republicans in their safely-gerrymandered districts for a while longer. Last year they got a million less votes than Democratic challengers and they still held their majority. Next year, they hope that number goes up to 5 million.

But it’s not enough for Boehner to hurt poor people and minorities with his condescending and dehumanizing policies. He wants to be able to humiliate and shame them on a much more personal and visceral level. So he’s going to use the government shut down as a chance to really work on getting that middle finger of his raised as high into the air and as violently into the face of every person not lucky enough to be born out of abject poverty. Nothing says “caring for your fellow Americans” like not caring if they can eat, have a place to live or get a good education, right?

#1. Whatever-The-Hell It Is He Usually Does While NOT Working For The American People

The irony of course in the government shutting down will be the fact that congressmen and women will start balefully moaning about not being able to “work” for the American people. Meanwhile, the last three congressional bodies have been some of the historically least-popular, but more importantly least productive congressional bodies ever. They’ve spent more time not passing laws than they have passing laws. They’ve spent more time fake-repealing one fucking law than they have anything else, and yet they’re going to have the audacity to tell you they really want to be working for us, but that mean black man in the big white house on the hill won’t let them.

So I have no idea what Boehner will be doing while the government is on lock down. It’s not like he’ll be any less productive than he usually is. So the bottom line is that no matter what that orange-tinged, chain-smoking booze hole does while the government is shut down, he’ll be getting the exact same amount of stuff done for the American people as he gets done when the government isn’t shut down.

Absolutely fucking nothing.

 


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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



  • Paul Silvan

    Zacharia, you are blinded due to the fact that your head is up your ass! Put down your bible for a few minutes and read some actual facts.

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