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Published on February 28th, 2013 | by James Schlarmann

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5 Things Ted Cruz Wants To Accomplish In the Senate


To paraphrase The Joker, “I have given a name to my pain, and it is ‘Senator Ted Cruz.’”

The Smarmy Index in Washington has hit an all time high, thanks to the arrival of the Junior Senator from Texas by way of Canada. (Honestly Canada! What did we do to deserve this son of a bitch?) Cruz makes every Tea Party Lady quiver in her nether regions. It’s as if someone created a mold for “Peevish, Accusatory, Inflamatory, Self-Righteous Prick Senators,” poured a glop of hair gel and good ol’ fashioned Texas Bullshit into it, squeezed the damnable thing together, and out  popped Ted.

Watching Cruz embarrass himself for all of history has been fun though. The way he insinuated that Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel — how’s that filibuster working out for you now, Senator McCain? — may have taken money to speak in North Korea will be one of those “Are you now, or have you ever been…” moments. So at least he’s accomplished that much. But what else can this legislative lightweight hope to accomplish after having pissed off members of both parties in his Hill debut?

Maybe one of these things…

#5. Discover Just Who The 81 Communist Democrats in Congress Are

Oh sure, the Lame Stream Media will tell you that former Rep. Allen West (R-FL) is a crackpot moron. Sure, they’ll also tell you that he had absolutely zero proof of any Democrat being a communist, and that’s why he refused to name names. And sure, that group of liberal jerkfaces will also tell you that there’s nothing in our Constitution or other founding documents that says you can’t be a Communist, or a Socialist for that matter, much less that you can’t be either of those things and serve in Congress. But that won’t stop Senator Teddy “So There Are Assholes In Canada After All” Cruz from fulfilling and finishing Rep. West’s brave work in unearthing the sinister influence of communism in Congress.

Sen. Joe McCarthy just got a ghost boner while he works the phone bank in Hell.

#4. Getting To The Bottom of  <INSERT CRAZY RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY THEORY HERE>

I don’t think Republicans in Congress are interested in anything unless it involves vaginae or a conspiracy. If you could somehow concoct a conspiracy around President Obama using the vaginae of all the women in the land to smuggle guns into Mexico so that they may one day ban both guns and female genitalia, you would hit the Republcian crackpot jackpot. It’s not shocking or surprising at all that the GOP loves their conspiracies  – whether they be Fast & Furious or FEMA death camps — they’re the party of alternate reality as it is anyway. After all, it takes a certain conspiratorial dismissal of truth to not only believe in but proselytize trickle down economics.

#3. Outlaw Dancing In His Town

I know he’s Canadian. But Senator Cruz came to Congress by way of Texas. And it’s probably safe to say that approximately 82% of all towns in Texas qualify as being “Footloose-ian” in nature. That is to say that most small towns in Texas could easily play host to a Kevin Bacon and/or Kenny Wormwald figure to stroll into town and wreak havoc on the elders, inciting rock and roll dance marathons! And women wearing dungarees!

#2. BENGHAZI!!!!!!!!111111111OneOneOne

Remember how way back in the times of Number Four on this list how we talked about Republicans loving conspiracy theories? Benghazi is the ultimate right-wing conspiracy theory. It involves the president, an evidence-free assumption that he did something wrong, and a bunch of mouth-breathing simpletons champing at the bit to bring down the entire administration. On one level, a thoughtful inquiry of the facts of the attack on our consular building in Benghazi is needed. On another level, it was already done, and the findings released. Blame was assigned, and the country seems ready to turn it into a learning experience. But that’s not good enough for Cruz and his cohorts, who are still looking for that one thing that can bring down the president. The good news for Cruz is that he can’t be president and he works for the party of congressional gerrymandering, so barring any major fuck-up (and why would we assume that a man with such plus-sized hubris and anorexic intellect would fuck up?), he’ll be around to chase the Benghazi rabbit down the hole for years and years.

At the taxpayers’ expense…of course.

#1. Be A Complete and Total Dickhead

Oh wait. He’s already accomplished that. So maybe it should say “Continue Being a Complete and Total Dickhead” instead. Oh well. The point is that Senator Ted Cruz is a complete and total dickhead.

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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



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