Over in Republicastan, they’re telling their devoted flock that Vice-President Biden was a big, mean ol’ bully and that Paul Ryan won on “substance.” I think I might have actually figured out what “substance” means to the Republicans. And Joe Biden described it perfectly as “malarkey.” But as it turns out, I think Paul Ryan did actually win a few things last night. And here are five of them for you now.
#5. Most Nervous Sips of Water
If you ever find yourself playing poker with Paul Ryan, watch how many times he takes a drink. People will talk over and over about how demonstrative and “over the top” Joe Biden was. But let’s put it this way: If you were in a room with a man in his 40s that was telling you Santa Claus was real, you’d laugh your balls (or vagina, we’re gender-neutral here) off too. What was far more telling is that by the end of the night, Biden’s voice was raspy. He’d been fighting hard the whole time, and Ryan’s was clear as a bell because he’d been drinking so much water I was afraid he’d piss himself on national TV. He did that metaphorically instead when the two-ton Mack truck driven by Joe Biden ran right over him.
#4. Most Hypocrisies Exposed In One 90 Minute Segment of Television Ever
You want to know the Right wing is in a tizzy today? Because Joe Biden was unrelenting in calling Paul Ryan and the entire party out for complaining about the deficit, complaining about the stimulus and complaining about the sluggish economic recovery. If they don’t think that message will get through, they’re crazy. Biden successfully pinned the deficit to the wars that Ryan voted for (though to be fair, Biden did too, but he’s not the one going ape shit over the deficit, Ryan is), nailed him with the letters that Ryan sent to the administration asking for stimulus funds for his constituents, and with his greatest soliloquy of the night, went after the obstructionism of the Congressional Republicans with his “Get out-of-the-way!” remarks.
#3. Most Obvious Misunderstanding of Foreign Policy Ever
In the area of foreign policy is really where Biden both wiped the floor and cleaned Ryan’s clock, and any other clichés you know that essentially say “Ryan looked like a fucking moron.” The argument that Iran is closer to having a nuclear weapon was so weak, it was laughable. And Biden himself laughed. The simple fact is that when Biden was able to say that Israeli and U.S. Intelligence are on the same page and that they do not have a bomb, nor are they that close to having a bomb, it was game, set and match. And if that wasn’t enough, the fact that Ryan simultaneously agreed with and criticized the 2014 pull-out date from Afghanistan, without offering a difference in the Romney/Ryan doctrine (well, other than saying “We wouldn’t sound like pussies.” Seriously, that’s what he basically said when he talked about “projecting weakness.”).
#2. Miss Congeniality
Hey. At least he was nice. Right? That worked out really well for Obama last week, right Republicans?
#1. Most Unprepared To Be President
Seriously. How could anyone not in the Republican wonderland of a reality vacuum in any way think Ryan looked like he was ready to lead the nation if Romney dropped dead? He looked every bit the ideologue and completely uneducated in foreign policy. Someone needs to get a hold of him and remind him that the country learned a major lesson with GW: wars are not something America wants to get into for the hell of it anymore. We like diplomacy. It works.