Sarah Palin cracks me up, she really does. She’s capable of being so tragically deficient in self-awareness that she says and does some of the most incredibly naive and silly things. Apparently the woman who helped deep-six John McCain’s presidential aspirations in 2008 is a little hurt that she’s not been invited to speak at this year’s Republican National Convention in Tampa in August. How can you tell she’s hurt? She’s giving interviews to the media saying that she’s still waiting to get her invitation. According to Palin, she’s “not the only one accepting consequences for calling out both sides of the aisle for spending too much money, putting us on the road to bankruptcy, and engaging in crony capitalism.”
Isn’t it awesome when a partisan politician tries to play the “I’m equally tough on both sides” card? Sure, there’s no love lost between the Attention Whore in Chief and the Flip-Flopper of the Free World, but for Palin to claim that she’s even-handed in any way is so funny it’s tragic. No, Sarah, you’re not invited to the RNC this year because you are poison. Your career as a politician died the day you told Katie Couric you read “all of them” in response to her asking you which newspapers you read. That single moment showed the world, and more importantly the Republican voters that while you may be a great headline snatching reality TV personality, you’re not a serious candidate. You’re not even a serious reality TV star because your show got cancelled after one year. Your problem, Ms. Palin, is that you are good from afar, but far from good. You’re a political butter-face to use the vernacular of our time. You’re an attractive figure out first, but as soon as anyone gets to know you better, they’re immediately turned off.
You won’t be speaking at any Republican National Convention probably for the rest of your life. If you wanted to stay in power, you should have decline John McCain’s offer of the VP slot and stayed in Alaska where you could continue to abuse your authority and ride that state’s one horse all the way to the pinnacle of your political career. One of these five things has a better chance of happening than you have of ever being invited back to speak on the national stage for your party.
#1 George Lucas Will Stop Being a Dick
All fans have ever wanted from George is to release a digital remastered but otherwise untouched collection of his original “Star Wars” trilogy. Instead what we’ve gotten is release after release of shitty editions of those films, crammed with hackneyed insertions of CGI characters singing, lame replacements of Ewoks, and entirely chopping out Sebastian Shaw as the vindicated Anakin Skywalker at the end of “Return of the Jedi.” When he released his long-awaited BluRay collection last year, it included hours of never-before-seen behind the scenes stuff, but still no restored original cut. Sure, I bought it, because I’m a battered and bruised fanboy, but I didn’t want to.
# 2 The Chicago Cubs Will Win the World Series
Sorry to any readers who may be fans of the Cubbies, but let’s face it: your team has flounced and floundered for about a century now. The last time the boys of Wrigley won a World Series, a Roosevelt was in office…the first one. The Cubs have long languished under the Curse of the Goat, and more recently The Curse of Bartman. But even they have a greater chance at being world champions than Sarah Palin has of ever being taken seriously by the GOP again.
#3 Intelligent Life On Another Planet Will Make Contact With Us
Hmm. First I talk about “Star Wars” and now I mention space exploration? Shit. I’m showing all my geek cards today, aren’t I? But seriously, there is more of a chance of E.T. landing on Earth, gobbling up Reese’s Pieces and saying “Ouuuuuucccccchhhhhhh” than Palin has at speaking on the big stage this year in Tampa. We’re more likely to see a Klingon Bird of Prey in the sky (and now a fucking “Star Trek” reference James?), than we are to see Sarah nervously checking her “hand-a-prompter” whilst declaring herself a “Mama Grizzly” ready to fight for the Conservative values of America in August.
#4 Farts Will Be Declared The New Currency
This may not be a bad thing, if you think about it. Sure, it’s a disgusting thought, and the intellectual side of me cringes at the suggestion, but American’s love affair with fast food could make us an economic powerhouse again. All we have to do is convince the rest of the world that a new and rare natural gas has been discovered to exist in massive pockets underneath Taco Bells and McDonald’s and Hardee’s all across the country, and we’re suddenly farting our way to the bank! As smelly as a proposition as this is, to Republicans, it’d still smell much sweeter than what would come out of a Sarah Palin National Convention speech.
#5 Sarah Palin Will Tapped By Romney For VP
Deluded as she is, I’m sure Sarah really thinks this is a strong possibility still. I’m sure if Romney asked, she’d not just accept, she’d leap at the chance to tank another Republican Presidential bid. Wait a minute! Guys, I think I just figured it out! Sarah Palin is clearly a highly sophisticated robot, sent from the future by the Democratic party to keep Republicans from ever occupying the White House again. The Palinator, just like Arnie’s character in the films about a killing machine sent back in time to save the man who would eventually save humanity, may look like a threat to peace and tranquility, but she’s actually part of an ingenious plan to take down the GOP covertly! Well played, Sarah. Well played.