5 Things To Brush Up On In Case Mitt Romney Wins


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Like any natural disaster, a Mitt Romney presidency is something we can at least plan for. So consider this list perhaps your President Mitt Romney Disaster Preparedness Kit.

While no one in their right mind really wants him to win, let’s face it fellow Progressives, Mitt Romney could very well be our next President. Sure, we’re all going to do what we can to prevent it, and we’re going to fight the good fight, but this is going to be a close race. The closeness of the race means we should do ourselves a big favor and just start preparing ourselves for the possibility of President Mitt Romney sitting at the desk in the Oval Office, being all Presidential and shit.

“Just how much does Obamacare pucker your asshole, Mitt?”

For the record: I simultaneously vomited and shit my pants when I typed “President Mitt Romney” so for me, it could be very dangerous if he wins.

I’m sure we’ve all joked about moving to Canada if Mitt wins, but let’s face it: why on Earth would Canada take a bunch of Americans in, even if we are the good ones? They’d be best to side-step this little kerfuffle altogether. That said, the thought has absolutely, all joking aside, if Mitt won and I was offered some kind of gig in Canada for four years, you could wish my family and I “Bon Voyage!” However, let’s just step back into what is very likely the reality for all of us: we’d have to wait it out.

This got me to thinking though, like any natural disaster, a Mitt Romney presidency is something we can at least plan for. So consider this list perhaps your President Mitt Romney Disaster Preparedness Kit. It seems to me like Romney’s campaign is running on a return to Conservatism, and this time they want it to be a hybrid of Reagan and Bush II, the last two Republicans to win consecutive Presidential elections. So if that’s the case, and they want to move the country backward, it’s time for us brush up on some things that we’ll need to be adept at with a Republican in office.

5 Things To Brush Up On In Case Mitt Romney Wins


#1. Blame everything on the “Ruskies”

Part of returning this country to its glory days under a Conservative head of state would be to help inject a nice, healthy dose of nationalism into the country’s patriotic veins. Ever since Lord Reagan single-handedly won the Cold War, America has lacked that one, big, centralized power to hate. The fall of the U.S.S.R. meant no more patriotic Hollywood propaganda action films.  An irrational hatred and fear of Communism is a vital cog in the machine for any Conservative regime. It’s been far too long since you’ve been able to walk into a bar or a corner market and hear two guys blaming shit on “The Ruskies.” So in preparation, we need to start blaming everything on the Russians.

For instance:

GUY 1: Aw man, gas went up two cents a gallon since last night!

GUY 2: Fuckin’ Ruskies!

Or maybe something more like this:

WOMAN 1: Harold left me last night! He’s been fucking his secretary for the last six months and now they’re having a love child together!

WOMAN 2: Fuckin’ Ruskies!

You see? Blaming the Russians for everything is easy to do in any social situation!

#2. Gay People Don’t Need To Go Back In the Closet, Just Be Less Gay

 Hey, Republicans have evolved man! Once Reagan took the magnanimous step of acknowledging that AIDS exists and that maybe it’s not just a disease that affects homosexuals, it’s like Conservatives got way more tolerant of homosexuals. Sure, it’s not like they want them to get married or have all the same rights that straight people have, but come on! Is it so much to ask for that you gay people just tone it down a bit? Like maybe let’s just replace 60% of the programming on Bravo with war documentaries and shows about fishing and hunting. You can still have your gay stuff, but just act like the subjugated minority you actually are. It’s for the good of the land.


#3. Women Should Take A Step Back (Into the Kitchen)

You’ve come a long way, baby, and maybe you should think about making a return trip now? We appreciate all that contribution to the GDP you’ve been doing, but when we have a Conservative in office, it’s nice to get back to the simpler times, isn’t it? You all look so good in an apron, making us a variety of cookies and cakes and steak dinners. It’s where God wants you to be, not making your husband inadequate by also contributing to the household’s financial situation. Don’t you think what he really wants is to work three jobs to make ends meet, like a real man? So just put down that Blackberry, sister, and instead make some blackberry scones!

#4. Take The Words “Climate Change” and “Global Warming” Out of Our Vernacular

Guys, we’re America. We don’t need to worry about climate change or the polar ice caps melting. We have divine inspiration behind every single thing we do! Besides, we all know that global warming and climate change and all this “Green energy” thing is just a Liberal Conspiracy to make us give up our Hummers. You have not lived until you’ve gotten a hummer in a Hummer while eating humus. And Barack Obama and his fellow Progressives don’t want you to experience the Triple Hum! Under Mitt Romney’s regime, green tech would be outlawed, and there’d be a coal or nuclear plant on every street corner, because in America, we should all have our own neighborhood power source.

#5. Practice Driving Off-Road

President Romney would almost certainly cut taxes even further for the rich, leaving the government with even less revenue for infrastructure and entitlements. Luckily, there’s a solution for that: stop paying for infrastructure and entitlements. So you should just start driving off the roads as much as possible, because as bad as they are now, they will definitely get worse when we don’t spend the money to repair the roads anymore. Also, the streets should start to be littered with homeless people and their bodies, so learning to drive around corpses would greatly increase your chances of avoiding an accident and watching your insurance premiums quadruple, which will be possible through the Mitt Romney Deregulate Every Industry In the Country And Let the Free Market Reign Supreme Act of 2013.

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