Former Vice-President Dick Cheney is meeting with House Republicans today, or if you’re reading this some other time than the day I’m writing it, he met with House Republicans Tuesday, September 9th, 2014. The mid-terms are rapidly approaching, and the official spin out of the Cheney camp is that ol’ Dick Boy is going to be speaking about the “importance of keeping” the House GOP-controlled.
But I was emailed a list of talking points that Dick intends to use in the meeting, and I thought you might be interested in seeing what other topics the war monger and miscreant has in mind.
#5. How the Building of the Second Death Star Is Going
That super-laser isn’t going to build itself, and if Cheney and his men are ever going to be ready for when the Rebels drop out of hyperspace in the Endor system, they better make sure the battle station is fully armed and operational! So while he’s there, Dick will check-in with Speaker John Boehner to see if everything is proceeding as he has foreseen it. If satisfied with the progress that’s been made, Cheney will give Trey Gowdy permission to launch another Benghazi investigation while he waits for his son to confront him about the Dark Side of the Force.
#4. He Will Finally Reveal Where the WMDs Were
Everyone knows that there weren’t in fact any Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. But during this week’s meeting, Cheney intends to tell House Republicans where he knows for certain there are highly dangerous weapons. According to the talking points I got, Cheney intends to look down at his zipper, smile smugly, and then say into the camera (should there be one), “I got yer WMDs. WM-Deeeeeeeeeeez nuts, son!”
Hearing his daughter Liz speak, I believe his balls really are weapons of mass destruction.
#3.He Will Give Marksman Lessons to Any Takers
When it comes to things that Dick Cheney is an expert in, you can come up with at least a handful of subjects without thinking too hard. Lying. War profiteering. Willful ignorance of the truth being exposed to the entire world for all to see just what a mendacious cock-faced asshole you are. You know, easy subjects for Dick. But people always forget that he’s such a skilled marksman. So during his speech to the assembled Republicans, Cheney will offer to give any takers free shooting lessons.
Dick still shares the record for most people shot in the face by a sitting Vice-President. Sure, that number is only one, and sure, the last sitting VP to shoot a dude was Aaron Burr during his famous duel with Alexander Hamilton in the early 19th-century, but hey, at least Dick was pulling his own trigger then, and not asking more than 4,400 of America’s best and brightest to do the heavy lifting/dying in a foreign country for him. So there’s that.
#2. He’ll Share Wonderful Baking Recipes
People all over the world know Cheney as the affable rapscallion that lied, lied, lied his way to riches, riding the crest of a wave created by the washing up of dead Americans and Iraqis on the shores of human value. But did you also know that he makes one hell of a scone? Or that his snicker-doodles were voted “Top Cookie Creation of Fascist Murder-Happy War Hawks Over 60” in the Summer 2005 edition of Evil Bastards Magazine? In his meeting with the likes of Darrell Issa, Louie Gohmert and Michele Bachmann, Cheney will give all in attendance a free baking lesson, and the best part is all his recipes are easy to remember.
- 2 cups of All-Purpose Lies
- 5 teaspoons of nationalism
- 6 fresh ounces of jingoism
- 3 quarts blood of the innocent
- 39.5 billion dollars in profit
Stir all that up in a pot, then slink off to your ranch in Wyoming to quietly masturbate to the WikiLeaks footage Chelsea Manning leaked and shout “AMURIKA!” as you shot your foul, curdled load all over the country’s reputation and good standing within the international community.
#1. He’ll Share the Joys of Being an Unrepentant, Blood Thirsty, War Mongering, Lying, Sack of Shit
Let’s face it, Dick Cheney is old as fuck. He’s not going to live forever (though as proof that there is no God, he is still here), and he’s concerned about the legacy he leaves behind. Namely, he is concerned that no one — not even the human carcinogen Teddy Cruz — is as despicable as Cheney himself. Who will be the next generation’s gleeful butcher of souls? Who will trade profit margins for the life, liberty and happiness of little brown people everywhere if his NeoCon ways aren’t handed down? That’s why a big focus for Cheney’s speech will be preaching about just how wonderful life is when you don’t give a shit about anything, especially not your reputation or historical legacy.
Something tells us the House Republicans have plenty of would-be Cheneys in the offing.