5 Reasons Your Libertarian Cream Dream Utopia Would Actually Suck Ass

A land of no laws and no taxes. If you ask anyone who calls themselves either a “libertarian” or an “anarchist” these days, that’s how they’d usually wind-up describing their ideal society. So why not give these Anarcho-Libertarians their cream dream wish and rip down the societal constructs that have heretofore at least done a decent enough job of keeping things humming along, albeit imperfectly?

Well, for these five reasons, actually.

#5. “Then Let Them Die and Decrease the Surplus Population!”

Listening to anarchists and libertarians, you’d get the idea that if we just do away with all burdensome laws, regulations and government, the poor and working poor would magically vanish, but have you ever asked them how? They may tell you that religious charities will pick up the slack. But how could they possibly afford to spend as much as they’d need to take care of the country’s poor, and doesn’t that completely violate the idea of church and state being separated? Why would we force someone to swallow and follow a religion just to get some help in not starving?

Well, the answer is that to anarchists and libertarians, poor people are poor because they just haven’t been motivated to work yet. You know, cultural laziness and shit, right? So what better way to motivate people to work than the possibility of them joining the pile of dead bodies out in the street that are still there because there’s no government agency to come and clean up the bodies of the poor people who had nowhere to turn so they got sick or starved to death? The social safety net exists for a reason, and libertarians just prefer to ignore those reasons as if they don’t exist. However, the simple fact is that inescapable poverty is what leads to crime, drug abuse and societal decline, not helping people out of it.

#4. “Idiocracy” Will Go From Prophecy to Reality

In the land of no laws and taxes, where does the responsibility for educating the masses fall? Once again, you’re left with two choices: the unregulated free market or religion. I suppose you also have the option of homeschooling, too don’t you? So in Libertarian Utopia you’re going to have to either pay a corporation, subject your kid to creationism in the classroom, or stay at home and stop working so that you can teach your kid stuff like math, reading and science.

Let’s start with the homeschooling and religious options. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in libertarian social media circles and read comments about how the standards of education have fallen so hard it’s stupid to pay for other kids’ education. Of course, at least 85% of the libertarians discussing these things are 19-22 year old college students, and even though the vast majority of them wouldn’t be in college were it not for the rest of us paying for their public education, they’re just stuck in their selfish “me me me” bubbles and so they aren’t thinking clearly about what happens when we stop trying to make people as smart and educated as they can be.

But this notion that it’s somehow better to pay a private company so that they can profit by educating our children is just ludicrous to me. Where is the accountability for the curriculum? The private company will just tell you to go find another service provider, but do we really want our schools run like cell phone contracts?

Of course in this society you should have that option, but bang-for-buck wise, it’s always going to be a better investment to pool your resources and reduce the risk of investment. Public education is a point of pride in any society, and the jackasses that are trying to “get government out” of education should take a look at developed and developing nations. The ones that are surpassing us in education aren’t doing so by paying Education, Inc. They’re doing so by investing more in their future. It’s not rocket science, but if you give the libertarians what they want, no one will be smart and trained enough to be a rocket scientist anyway, so maybe that’s a win-win in their book?

#3. Why Take Them To Court When You Can Just Shoot Them?!

What happens in a society when two parties have a disagreement?

Let’s say you get in a car accident going to work one day. In our current societal structure with laws and police officers and courts, you’ll get out of your car, and assuming it’s not a horrendous accident with lives in danger you’ll exchange insurance information. If the other driver doesn’t have insurance, you’ll hand the case off to your insurance company or if you don’t have uninsured motorist coverage, you’ll take the other driver to small claims court, present your case to a judge and hopefully be awarded damages so you can repay yourself for the damage you had to fix on your car.

Now, what happens in Anarcho-Libertarian Cream Dream Land?

Dude hits your car, you get out, and since he doesn’t have to answer to any laws about insurance or wait for a cop to come to the scene, he beats the shit out of you and drives off. You find him later, and you assault him right back, this time with two of your buddies. Two weeks later, his friends in the Backyard Militia of Podunk, Idaho come and lay siege to your house, filling it with round after round of fully-automatic gun fire (because remember there are now no laws against possessing automatic weapons because “Amurika”).

Sounds awesome, doesn’t it?

#2. Yay For Plagues!

 

If you think education and the social safety net would suffer under Libertarian Rule, imagine what health care would like when you truly have no other option than to pay for it out of your pocket with no subsidies whatsoever. Essentially, just imagine life before the Affordable Care Act. I’m not here to blow sunshine up Obamacare’s ass; there are definitely glaring holes in the law. Under Libertarian rules, there’s no ACA so we couldn’t force the insurance companies to provide us with at least an 85% return on our premiums. We couldn’t mandate that nobody be denied coverage for a preexisting condition, and we couldn’t make sure the elderly and children were covered via Medicare and Medicaid.

So if it’s scads of sickly people roaming the streets, tripping over the dead bodies that still haven’t been cleaned up, then by all means, let’s rip up our social fabric and just let shit fall where it falls.

#1. It Sucked So Much We Scrapped It Over 200 Years Ago

The thing is that for the most part we already tried to live in a Libertarian Utopia. The very first time we established The United States of America, it was under the Articles of Confederation. Apparently while studying political science at their universities, libertarians have forgotten some of the most basic American history — stuff we learned in 8th grade and then again in high school. The Articles of Confederation essentially created a useless and completely weak Federal government in favor of the supremacy of the states.

It failed so hard we had to rip it all up and start again. If you weaken the Federal government, you could have 50 different state currencies. You could have states not recognizing each other’s laws. You’d have 50 separate state militias with the potential for invasion by one state into another. I mean, do we really need all those little tiny New England area states? Why can’t Maine’s militia just start systematically annexing its neighbors to make one, larger state?

The bottom line is a simple one: If libertarians or classical liberals —  whatever the hell they’re calling themselves to sound more intelligent than they are — want to live in a society where there’s no strong central government or any of the many benefits the founders themselves realized they needed to provide via a strong central government, they should contact Dr. Emmett Brown, borrow his DeLorean and set the time circuits to 1777 because in the words of the great Canadian poets and scholars of The Barenaked Ladies, it’s all been done before.

And it sucked back then just as much as it would suck right now.

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About James Schlarmann 1816 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
  • Pipercat

    I’ll start the countdown 5… 4… 3…

  • Scott

    Inescapable poverty also leads to either violent revolution (France, Russia) or populist dictatorship (Rome). Either way, not what the glibertarians had in mind.

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