5 Reasons You Should Totally Vote for Mitt Romney


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Oh sure. I could write you another screed about why you shouldn't vote for Mitt Romney. God knows there are literally hundreds of reasons not to. But instead, I figured "What the fuck" and I decided to give you five really good reasons to vote for Mitt for President.

Oh sure. I could write you another screed about why you shouldn’t vote for Mitt Romney. God knows there are literally hundreds of reasons not to. But instead, I figured “What the fuck” and I  decided to give you five really good reasons to vote for Mitt for President.

 #1 – “Fuck it! Maybe the Mayans are Right!”

The Mayan calender predicts the world is going to end on December 21st, 2012. That would mean just a month or so after the election, we’d all be dead anyway. So who the fuck cares what a slimy, money-worshiping puppet of  The One Percent and Wall Street our president is? And point-in-fact, Romney wouldn’t be sworn in since that doesn’t happen until January of the following year. If an ancient cult’s prediction can influence your choice for President, why not vote for one of the richest members of one of the world’s newest cult?

#2 – You Just Love Economic Hardship and War-Mongering

Despite every attempt that the Romney Camp has made to avoid any connections to the Bumbling Mumbleoid in Chief, the fact is that several former Bush-era staffers and advisers are now working for Team Romney. Romney has said in the past that he plans to return this country’s fiscal policies to the Bush-era policies that left our nation absolutely economically ruined. Romney just had a fundraiser at Dick Cheney’s home in Wyoming (though no press cameras were allowed in, because you know, why would someone running for President believe in freedom of the press, right?). As with everything else in his life, Romney’s speaking out of both sides of his mouth, simultaneously distancing and embracing the Bush/Cheney administration. So if you just loved how much further the middle class was degraded, and just can’t get enough of unfunded foreign wars, then Romney’s your man.

#3 – You Live in a Bunker In The Sierra Nevada Mountains And Live Off The Land

Hey, if you’re the kind of person who prefers to live off the grid, Romney’s your guy! If you’re not going to participate in society, who cares if the person you elect’s main goal is to institute economic policies that further increase the gap between the super-rich and the rest of us? You can rest assured knowing that while you’re living in a cave and hunting wild animals with a spear, there’s an old, rich white guy with more money parked in one Swiss bank account than 99% of the rest of Americans will ever see in their life running things up top. And who knows, if Fiscal Conservatives get their way and the Middle Class is completely eviscerated, you may just have some cave-mates to share your time with. What a win-win!

#4 – You’re a Liberal, Conservative, Moderate, Independent and Undecided Voter

Who better to vote for than someone who has literally been on every side of every issue throughout his political career? If you’re someone who has a hard time making up their mind, why not vote for the guy who makes up his mind every time the wind changes direction? Pro-choice in 1994? Vote for Mitt. Suddenly Pro-Life in 2012? Vote for Mitt. Pro gay marriage in 1994? Vote for Mitt. Anti marriage equality in 2012? Vote for Mitt. The best reason to vote for Mitt is that no matter which side of an issue you find yourself on, Mitt is more than likely going to tell you he’s on that side too.

#5 – You’re in The One Percent

Let’s face it: if you’re super-duper rich the only person you should vote for is Mitt Romney. Well, that’s assuming you have no heart and prefer to install another moat and electric fence around your Ivory Tower instead of paying four cents on the dollar more in order to close the massive income equality gap in this country. Romney is one of you, after all. He’s a shining member of The One Percent, and he’s not afraid to be seen that way. Well, except of course for that pesky little tradition about Presidential candidates releasing at least 12 years of past tax returns. But hey, why would he possibly want to be fully transparent so he can avoid looking like Scrooge McDuck with magic underwear? If you love your money as much as Mitt loves his, there’s no other candidate in history that could be a smarter choice for you.

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