It’s no secret that when it comes to securing the female vote, Romney-Ryan is sort of fucked, to be blunt. Oh sure, there will be lots of Conservative women lined up at the polls to cast their votes for Team One Percent, but outside of that group, the Republicans are in a bit of trouble. But I think if women look hard enough they can find any number of reasons to give their support to Romney’s presidential bid. These are five reasons I came up with just off the top of my head.
#1. They’re Going To Put The Massage In Misogyny
Sure, they want to take away your reproductive rights. Sure, they don’t feel you’re worthy of being paid the same as your penis-equipped coworkers. But what most people don’t realize is that in the Romney-Ryan plan for America, they have personally promised to drive to every woman’s house and give them a rigorous, but sexually appropriate massage*. Immediately afterward, you’ll be expected to bake them a pie while barefoot in the kitchen an then submit to a trans-vaginal ultrasound. You know, for the kids.
#2. Paul Ryan May Not Care About You, But Gosh Does He Love Your Eggs!
Ladies, maybe Ryan’s social Conservatism is just blatant chauvinism. And maybe he wants to codify that chauvinism into law by means of making it so that even if you’re raped, or worse yet, raped by someone you’re related to, you can’t terminate that pregnancy. But how many men in your life genuinely care about your ovum? Paul Ryan cares about your eggs, girls. He wants you to know he considers those precious little bits of biological matter to be every bit as important as you, more so in fact! So vote for the guy who wants to be in your vagina, legislatively.
#3. Anti-Feminists Are People Too, My Friend!
Why does everyone have to pick on Mitt and Paul just because they support laws that would drastically roll back the clock on hard-fought social issues for women? I mean, sure, they clearly don’t value women as much as men, but that doesn’t mean they’re not hurt by the insults and accusations that they don’t value women as much men! Even if something bad someone says about you is true, even if it’s terrible and shows what a demonstrably horrible human being you are, it still stings.
#4. Just Do As You’re Told, Woman!
Sorry. Paul Ryan got control of my keyboard for a second there.
#5. You Can’t Truly Appreciate Freedom Until You’ve Had To Fight To Get It Back
For many of you women, especially if you were born after Roe v. Wade, you’ve just gotten complacent, frankly. The pioneering women before you fought hard and won crucial battles so that you wouldn’t have to. But what makes you think you can just count on those freedoms being there forever and ever? Don’t you think it’s a bit lazy of you to just assume that society has decided that your vagina is in fact neither a liability to you, or any business of ours? All Romney and Ryan want to do is put that carrot back on the stick and get you to work for it a little bit! Show some spunk, and some grit! Win back those rights, and challenge yourself to try and wrestle control over your reproductive health back.
*Probably not true