Over the last few days, Conservative pundits, talking heads and politicians started pressuring Willard Mitt Romney to release more tax returns than the two he’s stubbornly insisted will be the only ones we get to see. So you get the feeling even the GOP and its high-ranking members understand how colossally stupid Mitt’s secrecy over this taxes really is. Even his own team is tarted to question whether there’s something politically damaging that he’s hiding. George Will, long the voice of eloquence in the Conservative movement (and since he’s as rabid a baseball fan as I am, I have to cut him some slack for his Conservatism. Hate the Conservatism, not the Conservative, I always say), seemed to imply that Romney’s ulterior motives are going to get the best of him when on ABC’s “This Week” George said, “The costs of not releasing the returns are clear. Therefore, he must have calculated there are higher costs to releasing them.” Conservative strategist Bill Kristol straight-up told Team Money that Romney should “release the tax returns tomorrow. It’s crazy. You’ve got to release six, eight, 10 years of back tax returns.”
It’s pretty clear that just about everyone outside of Mitt himself is willing to admit that there has to be some kind of ulterior motive preventing Romney from doing what every Presidential nominee has done for the last 36 years and releasing at least 10 years of tax returns to the public. Some speculate he simply doesn’t want the country seeing the kind of money he makes, which would make him look even more rich and out of touch with the Middle Class than the car elevators, multiple homes and Swiss bank accounts have already done for him. I had my own theory last week that he was trying to keep people from seeing a possible tie to Bain Capital after he swears he left on a “leave of absence” in 1999 to run the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics in 2002.
Maybe we’re all being too hard on Mitt though. What if there are some other, less sinister but still embarassing reasons for him being the least financially transparent Presidential nominee of the last three and a half decades? Here are my five best “benefit of the doubt” guesses as to why Mitt won’t release more tax returns. It should be duly noted that all of these I pulled right out of my ass, since that’s all I have to go by in light of Mitt not releasing his tax returns.
If none of these are right, I urge Willard to release more years’ tax returns so we can clear everything up once and for all.
#1 He Had to Spend $30 Million In 30 Days To Inherit $300 Million
Oh wait. Sorry. That’s the plot to “Brewster’s Millions.” Besides, Mitt spends that much money on special, super-secret Batcave entrance he’s having built in his La Jolla mansion. Okay, I’m not sure he’s actually building a Batcave, but boy wouldn’t that be great to see as a business expense on his 1040?
#2 He Accidentally Donated $50 Million to Planned Parenthood
We all know that Mitt hates abortion. Or at least he has since he decided that hating abortion would be a good political position for him to take. But in the recent weeks, it was disclosed that Mitt once invested in a company that disposed of aborted fetuses and embryos. As it turns out, maybe Mitt was trying to corner the abortion market and thought when he was donating that $50 million dollars to Planned Parenthood he was actually buying a stake in the abortion business. You know, it’s like when McDonald’s buys a paper plant to manufacture their napkins at a cheaper cost. Of course, Mitt was doubly stung when he found out that not only did he not purchase it, but that only about 3% of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion, despite Right Wing talking points to the contrary.
#3 He Made $600 Million By Outsourcing All The Lemonade Stands in Massachusetts
Mitt’s loves money, and he loves outsourcing. As the governor of Massachusetts, Mitt outsourced the state’s call centers. One possibility as to why he doesn’t want to come clean with his tax returns is that people will find out he also signed a deal with the country of Uzbekibekibekistanstan for them to handle all the lemonade production and sales within the state while he was governor. But who knows? Maybe he could take this potentially bad situation, and turn into something better. Like taking lemons and making…something else lemon-related?
#4 He Made $1 Million In Bets With Fellow Republican Presidential Hopefuls During the Primaries in 2008
Sure, we all remember when Mitt tried to get Rick Perry to agree to a ten-thousand dollar bet during the primaries this time around. But does anyone remember his other bets he made during the 2008 primaries? He bet John McCain, for instance, $50,000 that McCain couldn’t drink a gallon of milk in an hour. He bet Fred Thompson $100,000 that he couldn’t stand on one foot for fifteen minutes. As it turns out, perhaps Mitt just loves a good gentleman’s bet of tens of thousands of dollars.
#5 He Wrote Off $2 Billion Dollars for “Limbaugh’s Pills and Pussy”
Mitt’s a good guy. And if Rush found himself cash-strapped for more prescription painkillers and some Dominican pussy, it could have been Mitt who stepped in and footed the bill. All Rush had to do was continue to spout lies and distortions about Obama’s record on the economy, and Mitt would keep Rush slathered in oxies and young Latinas. It’s pretty much the ultimate win-win situation, don’t you think?