A staple of young and broke kids just starting out is pizza. You get two or three of your friends to pool that four or five bucks you each have and magically you have enough to get some hot pizza delivered to your door by another broke, struggling kid. In my area, there are three cheap places for pizza you’d call: Pizza Hut, Domino’s and Papa John’s. Papa John’s slogan is “Better ingredients. Better pizza. Papa John’s.” And for the most part, at least thirteen or fourteen years ago, they were right. It was slightly better pizza. Of course, as I’ve gotten older suddenly my taste buds found even Papa John’s to be, shall we say…turdariffic. Or crapalicious. But back then, Papa John’s was good for what you paid for.
As it turns out, Papa John’s head honcho, John Schnatter, is a big Mitt Romney guy, and nothing made that more apparent than Schnatter announcing that thanks to Obamacare’s new rules, the pizza chain would have to cover more of it’s 16,000 employees than it used to, resulting in an increase in cost per pie of about fourteen cents, or about twenty cents per order. Schnatter has said Papa John’s fully intends to pass that increased cost onto the consumers. So there you have it, a big businessman saying that Obamacare will make his costs go up, so of course every business everywhere will follow suit, and therefore Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to America ever, and we’re all going to die waiting for check-ups…or at least that’s the message Team Romney wants out there, hence Schnatter’s announcement.
But here’s the thing that Schnatter didn’t say: his companies second quarter profits were up 22%. While crying “poor,” it turns out that as Papa John’s posted higher profits than originally expected, their CEO was telling people they’d have to jack up prices to cover the cost of Obamacare. Every business wants to maintain their margins, but considering that their company already saw a profit increase of over 20%, it just seems inhumane and frankly gross that he’d bitch about having to cover more of his extremely-low paid employees’ health care costs.
I figured in light of this news, maybe some new slogans are in order for Papa John’s, and here are five of the best ones.