We were accidentally CC’d on an email from Rep. Louie Gohmert to Rep. Darrel Issa and the subject was “5 New Benghazi Theories to Keep the Morons Chattering.” Here are five highlights:
Oh boy howdy am I sick and tired of all the lies about Benghazi! I mean, how come more people aren’t believing them? What kind of America do we live in where we can’t make up blatant bullshit about a tragedy and have it stick the president?! Especially one so…black and Democratic as this one? It just makes my britches burn, Darrell! It really does I tell you what! Well, okay, so there was no stand down order and that blows a major hole in one of our biggest and most idiotic conspiracy theories. And as we all know our base feeds off idiotic conspiracy theories. The bigger and more idiotic the better, so that got me to thinking, and I came up with this here list of new conspiracy theories for you to float out at the next fifty Benghazi hearings.
Let me know what you think Darrell.
“5 NEW Benghazi Conspiracy Theories” by Rep. Louie Gohmert
#5. Benghazi Is the Secret Gay Wedding Chapel Where Obama Had His Secret Gay Wedding
Look Issa, you and I and the faithful readers of World Net Daily already know that Obama is secretly Muslim, secretly gay, and secretly gay-married to a guy. But I bet you didn’t realize that Benghazi was where the secret gay military chapel that performed his secret gay wedding was located did you? Why do you think the administration is covering up Ben Gozzi so hard, Darrell?! They didn’t want any evidence of Obama’s secret gay life getting out, so they planned the attack themselves, and this was all a false flag operation to destroy evidence of Obama’s secret gay-ocity! Makes total sense to me.
#4. Benghazi Is Where They Filmed the Moon Landing
You and I both know the moon landing was a liberal conspiracy cooked up by John F. Kennedy to keep his family in power. You and I both know that they shot that “moon landing” footage somewhere in a far off land so that no American could see the footage being faked. You and I both know Neil Armstrong was actually a very tall chimpanzee in a Neil Armstrong costume. And you and I both know Obama ordered the consulate in Benghazi attacked so that evidence of all of this could be wiped out.
We know all this, right Darrell?!?
#3. Hillary Clinton Ordered the Attack on Benghazi to Cover Up More Vince Foster Evidence
2016 isn’t that far away, Darrell. We need to start undermining Hillary in a big way. I saw we trot out the old Vince Foster canard and spice it up by tying in Benghazi. What if the filing cabinets at the outpost in Benghazi is where Hillary had all the secret murder evidence against her and Bill moved to, and the attack had to be carried out to make it look plausible that a bunch of documents were stolen? No, of course I don’t have any evidence of either a connection to the Fosters and Clinton or that anything speaking to that was in the consulate building, but if telling the truth about shit is what Republicans did anymore, none of us would be in office, would we?
#2. During the Attack, President Obama Was Playing “Candy Crush Saga” On His iPhone
Now, Darrell, I have it on good authority that President Obama may not have ordered a stand down, but he was definitely playing some kind of game on his iPhone, and we believe it was Candy Crush. Oh wait. Sorry, I’m being told that it was video poker, and it was actually Senator John McCain who was caught playing it. During a Senate hearing on a possible military strike in Syria. Two weeks ago.
Well, no one has to know that do they?
#1. Blah Blah Blah OBAMA!
You and I both know it doesn’t matter what we make up about Benghazi as long as we say the words “Obama,” “Hillary” and “failure of leadership” enough times, that’s all our base cares about. So let’s just keep making sure that no matter what happens we find some way, any way to pin it on Obama and/or Hillary. Then as long as we keep gerrymandering districts our party will always have a place at the table. Go us!