Oh Ann Coulter, you’re adorable. Sometimes you just have to love the shit that comes out of her mouth, don’t you? It’s of course really easy to get upset and mad at her when she calls all Liberals godless, amoral motherless sons of bitches, but I think you have to just take everything she says with a grain of salt, because she clearly doesn’t have her head screwed on right. Her latest gem was unleashed onto the world on ABC’s “This Week” program. Speaking on the Chick-Fil-A hubbub, Ann said of Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy, “He said, look, all the founders of this company are married to our first wives. It’s genuinely a pro-marriage position to oppose gay marriage.”
Sure, it might at first glance look like what Coulter said is the single most self-contradictory, spin-tastic sound byte in the history of political discourse. “a pro-marriage position to oppose gay marriage.” It’s a real whopper, that’s for sure. But as it turns out, Ann left her notebook behind on the set of “This Week,” and she’s got a few other “interesting” takes on history. Here are the five best.
#1. Being Pro-Slavery Is Actually Being Pro-African American
Life is harsh! There are so many ways in which you can fall on your face in this life. Security is everything. So why were all those slaves so eager to leave slavery? Free room and board, and all they had to do was take a whipping every other day, get raped, not get paid, and accept the fact that in the eyes of the laws of this nation they weren’t anything more than the personal property of their slave masters.
#2. Being Anti-Women’s Suffrage Is Actually Being Pro-Equality
The fact of the matter is that women actually outnumber men on this planet. That makes them the ones with the real power to begin with. Obviously the framers understood this idea and therefore wrote our Constitution to try and balance the power out by not allowing that majority to have a voice. It makes total sense if you think about it. Once you allow women (the majority) to vote, they’ll go and push their majority agenda, like expecting to not be treated as a pre-existing condition simply because they have vaginae. Or ask to be paid the same as men, even though they already outnumber us and their husbands probably give them a totally adequate allowance.
#3. Being Pro-Death Penalty Is Actually Being Pro-Life
Oh sure, on the surface it’s state-sponsored homicide. And technically homicide “means” murder, which would imply death. But nothing says “we value the sanctity of Life” better than strapping someone to a chair and injecting them with chemicals meant to stop their heart. After all, these are people convicted of murder! And we’ve gotten our legal system perfected to the point that no one is ever wrongfully accused of and then convicted of murder anymore. We’re infallible! U-S-A! U-S-A!
#4. Being Anti-Immigrant is Actually Being Pro-Immigrant
Everyone, no matter what side of the aisle, can admit that the immigrants are ruining this country. What with their unflappable work ethic, their tireless dedication to make their lives better, and their willingness to take shitty, menial jobs that help keep our produce prices artificially low, they are obviously ruining everything about this country. No wonder immigration numbers have been stagnant for so long! It’s definitely not because we took a massive budget surplus and wasted it on tax cuts for the rich and two completely unfunded wars, it’s about how many non-white, non-English speakers came here looking for a piece of the American Dream. Immigrants are obviously turned off to us now, and they’ll only come back after we kick all the immigrants out, clearly.
#5. Being Anti-Gun Control Is Actually Being Pro-Gun Safety
Guns don’t kill people; people do. If the NRA brainwashes its members into believing it, it must be true. Limiting gun rights would be stupid, because as we all know, nothing makes society safer than everyone carrying a loaded weapon everywhere they go. It’s not like we’re all bitter, broke and struggling to make ends meet, making us all a little more tense and twitchy or anything. It’s not like it wouldn’t make things a million times better if in every shootout, the cops knew that they’d also be dealing with several dozen other guns and their extremely lethal potential. Besides, think about how much fun westerns are. There’s the hats, and the spurs and the houses of prostitution. It’s every American’s wet dream. Add to it the potential to be gunned-down in the street over any minor quarrel, and you have yourselves a truly amazing society.