Have you seen the list of House Republican demands for a debt ceiling increase that The National Review got a hold of? In a nutshell, they’ve basically asked for every hard-right fiscal policy wet-dream they’ve had over the five or six years at least, and essentially if every demand isn’t met, they are willing to shut the entire government down as a nice big tantrum. Negotiating with House Republicans is clearly like negotiating with my two-year-old, who heretofore is the most stubborn human being I’ve ever encountered. They scream, cry and throw tantrums when their impossible demands aren’t met.
Some might look at their lengthy list of pipe dreams and think the House Republicans are demanding too much and they know full-well the president and the Democrats won’t approve even a third of their demands and the government will shut down as a consequence, making them all giddy as can be. I happen to be one of those people but as it turns out there are actually a few more demands that the Republicans are holding onto in case they need to sweeten their pot a little more. I was sent these demands via Pony Express last night, and I think you all should see them.
Our List of Demands To Be Met Or Else
by Rep. John Boehner and Eric Cantor
#5. 2009-2017 Will Be Forever Known as “Not Real America Time”
We all know that real patriots don’t want free stuff. They want to work five low-wage jobs that literally kill them early from stress, lack of sleep and bad diets for fifty years. We all know that real Americans don’t want affordable health care. They want to go to the emergency room for something they could have gotten taken care of through regular and routine physical checkups. We all know that real Americans love political theatrics and lies instead of compromise. So therefore, unless you officially declare the entire Obama Administration as being unofficial — at least put an asterisk next to his name in the history books — then we are not raising the debt ceiling.
We’d rather watch the entire world’s economy go down in flames, and we’d rather President Obama’s failure destroy our country than you know, have something good happen and then Obama gets the credit, basically.
#4. Welfare Recipients Have to Complete a Drug Screening and Run a Marathon Before They Get One Dime
We have a feeling that we’d estimate and guess approximately 120% of all welfare recipients are lazy, able-bodied drug addicts who also hate America and worship Satan. Since we have that gut feeling — and we’re the party of gut feelings, rhetoric and mysticism in place of factual data — we are going to now demand that all welfare recipients be tested not only for drugs in their systems, but that they must also now compete in a marathon.
Think of it this way, maybe not all those welfare recipients can survive a marathon; so they’ll just help decrease the surplus population and BINGO! we save a few more bucks. You’re welcome, America.
#3. Abortion Is Now a Capital Offense, Punishable By Death
As you’ll recall from reading your Bible, somewhere in the middle parts there’s the section where Jonah’s inside the whale and the whale says to Jonah, “Don’t let your women control their vaginae, for it is through their vaginae that Satan works.” Therefore we think it’s only fitting that from now on any doctor who performs an abortion, or any woman who gets an abortion has to face the harshest punishment possible — capital punishment. There’s no greater deterrent to murder than the death penalty right? Look at all the states that have death penalties! Haven’t murders all but stopped in Texas?
We can use the same rock-solid logic and apply it to keeping women from committing their own acts of murder against developing life forms that have absolutely zero chance of survival outside the mother’s womb. It’s really very simple: Abortion is killing and killing is wrong so now we have to kill you for killing. Again, you’re welcome.
#2. Coal Companies Are Now Required to Increase Their Carbon Emissions
Honestly, we just feel like being assholes on this one and we want to stick our fingers in the eyes of all you pansies who are all like, “Waahhh! I don’t want the water levels to rise so high that it washes out thousands and thousands of miles of coastal land!” Or, “Boo Hoo! All the trees and plants will die if we choke the oxygen out of our atmosphere!” It’s like, don’t they know that we can just move to another planet when this one runs out? Duh, Libtards!
#1. President Obama Has to Change His Name to “Republican McRepublican” and Denounce Allah
If President Obama is willing to change his name and denounce his God, we Republicans are willing to let our government continue running for another few months, at which point we will have another one of these pointless exercises in dumbfuckery. Alternatively, Obama can also admit that he is Kenyan and a Communist and hand over control of the country in a peaceful way to Sarah Palin, who despite never being elected, will be our president because “Freedom.”
It’s really very simple, America. Give us everything we want, or we will crush you. Because that’s what Abraham Washington chopped down Ronald Reagan’s cherry bell for, before it was taken by Paul Revere to Mount Sinai where Jesus cast it into the fire, destroying the ring and its grip on Middle Earth forever. Amen.