5 “Highlights” From the New AP U.S. History Test

Here are five new additions to the AP U.S. History test that will make any parent excited to send their kids to school.

The new Advanced Placement U.S. History test has entered headlines this week, since The College Board — the company that produces the content of the curriculum and tests — decided to cave into pressure from conservative groups. The groups had claimed that the AP U.S. History class lessons for the upcoming year cast far too much light on the less savory elements of our country’s history. The conservatives argued, and the College Board eventually caved to these demands, that the test shouldn’t focus so much on things like segregation and the genocide of the natives, and instead focus on things like “American Exceptionalism” instead.

What follows is actual excerpts from  an advanced copy of the new curriculum, sent to The Political Garbage Chute.

#5. The Truth About Ronald Reagan Inventing Fracking to Save Us From the Nazis Is Finally Revealed

In 1928 a young, fresh-faced man named Ronald Reagan was approached by a shadowy figure stepping out of a DeLorean he’d turned into a time machine. It was an older, grumpier version of Reagan himself! What Old Reagan gave to Young Reagan would be the key to unlocking more potential for the United States to damage the climate while creating energy. Old Reagan gave Young Reagan the secrets of fracking — or fracture drilling — for natural gas. As we all know, fracking has been proven to be 123.2% safe for all purposes. In another twist to the story, fracking also managed to help the U.S. defeat the Nazis single-handed. Because Nazis hate fracking, as we learned in Chapter 23: Things the Nazis Hated.

#4. Slavery Had Nothing to Do With the Civil War; It Was All Miley Cyrus’ Fault

For many years, historians used things like “historical records” and documents from the time of the Civil War to paint a nuanced picture of the causes of the Civil War, but they all pointed toward slavery, and our government’s lack of effort to abolish and confront it, as the central issue behind it. But as good, red-blooded American student-patriots know, it was all fought over states’ rights, and even though the vast majority of the letters of secession were drafted included direct references to slavery and the perception that the North would move to abolish it, again, it was all Miley Cyrus’ fault. She came in like a wrecking ball, and literally wrecked America’s chances of  not going to war. So everyone be sure to thank Little Miss Achy-Breaky Heart for ruining America more than 120 years before she was born.

#3. The United States Is a Christian Nation Formed Under Direct Orders From Jesus Christ

Many Americans for many years were taught the genius of the First Amendment was that it managed to both simultaneously safeguard an individual’s right to practice whatever religion they wanted to, but also protected those who wished to have a secular government as well. Though the “Separation of Church and State” is not a specifically named doctrine within the Constitution, many scholars and historians maintained for decades that the paradigm existed within the constraints of the First Amendment itself. However, that was a false history put forth by the forces of secularism, or “Not God-y” people. The truth of course is that in 1776 Jesus Christ himself spoke from on high to George Washington as he was chopping down yet another cherry tree and he spoke unto Washington, and said, “Thou shalt form a new country called The United States of America and all its laws will be based on the Bible. So sayeth me, Jesus Herbert Christ, this 30th Day of our Me, 1776.”

So Washington told his other buddies in the Continental Congress, and bing-bang-boom, you got yourself the United States. 

#2. The Iraq and Vietnam Wars Were Ringing Successes for Democracy

After the United States helped the Allied Forces win World War II, it became obvious not just to Americans, but to every person in the world, that the U.S. was the most powerful country in the world. The idea that America was perfect and could literally not do any harm to the rest of the world was cemented by the post-WWII record of unbridled military success. Whether it was the completely logical and necessary fight against communism in the jungles of Vietnam, or the completely justified search of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq after 9/11 as part of our War on Terror, if there is one thing the world community has come to expect from the United States of America, it’s prudent and judicious use of military force in campaigns that only have the blessing of the international community and really do leave the countries we invade in far better shape than before we destabilized the living hell out of them and set up governments that the people didn’t really believe in since they didn’t have a stake in creating them, thus making the illusion of self-governance even more farcical to them.

#1. Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi!

For many true American patriots, the most important event in Barack Obama’s presidency was not his ability to get some kind of healthcare reform passed, nor was it the historic Iran nuclear deal. Instead, it was the Benghazi attacks of September 11th, 2012. We may never know exactly what happened that night, even though dozens of investigations showed the same facts to be true over and over again. It is suspected that Hillary Clinton deleted a bunch of emails that were all like, “Wipe them out, all of them,” and then she blew Jar Jar Binks. There has been no evidence of any of the conspiracies swirling around Benghazi being true to date, but Republicans in congress will not rest until they uncover the smoking gun they know for a fact they should believe deep down in their hearts exists.

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