Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) is an asshole. Note the use of italicized text there to emphasize just how much of an asshole Coburn is. He goes beyond the pale of regular assholes. He even exceeds the boundaries of your average asshole in Congress. No, Coburn is an asshole the likes of which is hardly ever seen. He’s that elusive breed of asshole that is not only an asshole, but a proud, stubborn, declarative asshole.
Coburn has demanded that before his constituents that were impacted by the tornado get money from FEMA there have to be offsets found in the Federal budget to pay for every cent given to victim. He’s even gone so far as to say that most of the damage from the tornado came to properties that were insured, so let’s just make all these people who have lost their homes and everything they owned wait a few months or a couple years to get money they need to rebuild, rather than help them survive and cope now?
Basically, Coburn is one of those special folks that doesn’t feel it’s the Federal Government’s job to help anyone, especially not if they’re the victims of something completely outside their control like hurricanes, earthquakes, monsoons or apparently even tornadoes. Oh, but if you’re a corporation who feels “wronged” by having to actually pay taxes, he’s got your back, don’t worry about that. I mean sure, FEMA money is there specifically for these situations, and sure that money would really help people in Moore, OK put their lives back in order, or at the very least some shelter and food. But hey, you commie jerk, taxes are bad and evil and we just can’t have Americans paying taxes to help one another in times of extreme need, right?
Funnily enough, we actually found five people who are bigger assholes than Tom Coburn, and here they are.
#5. The People Who Keep Green-Lighting “Scary Movie” Sequels
Coburn may seem dispassionate and cruel in implying victims of natural disasters don’t need any help from their government, but is he any worse than the people who keep giving us shitty sequels to shitty spoof comedies like “Scary Movie 12?” Actually, yes, he is worse than those people. Okay, so let’s try Number Four.
#4. People Who Have 25 Items In The Express Lane At The Grocery Store
Ugh! These people are the worst, aren’t they? All you’re trying to do is buy your condoms, French bread and nail clippers, and the lady in front of you has way more than ten items in her cart, and she just keeps piling them on the conveyor! You just want to scream at her don’t you? She’s definitely got to be a bigger asshole than Tom Coburn right?
Wrong. Coburn’s still a sociopath with a Congressional expense account. That lady’s just a grade-A douche horn.
#3. People With Tattoos in Languages They Don’t Understand Even A Little Bit
You’ve all seen them. The girl in her twenties with five Chinese symbols on her arm, and she swears they mean “Peace, Love, Harmony, Joy, Alive!” However, she picked them from a webpage for Chinese symbol tattoos, knows no Chinese people to confirm their veracity and now she actually has “Soil, Flatulence, Petty Argument, Serpent, Snapple” permanently etched on her arm in a language she has no grasp of.
Wait. Those people are just sad and pathetic. Even they would want people whose lives were just shattered by a tornado to get back on their feet as soon as possible.
#2. Those People Who Think They Score Points In A Political Discussion By Pointing Out the U.S. Is Not A Democracy
We’re quite sure you’ve encountered this nit-picky A-Holes before. You say something casually like, “That’s not what our democracy is supposed to be about.” And then in come the wagging fingers and the admonishments about “representative republics” and all that happy horse shit. All the while everyone knows what your point was. You know what though? Even those jerkoffs aren’t nearly as bad as Coburn. So that just leaves us with the last slot…
#1. Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK)
The other Republican Senator from Oklahoma may not actually be a bigger asshole than Coburn himself, but we’re willing to go out on a limb and say he’s at least every bit as much the asshole. Why? He agrees with Senator Coburn, that’s why. When you are so sycophantic about your ideological crusade against government spending that you’d be willing to piss all over people in your own state that were just devastated by a tornado, you’re an asshole. Oklahoma’s just lucky we guess to have twice the asshole quotient. Word is they save money by sharing a brain.