Paul Ryan is absolutely, positively running for president in 2016. He may not officially announce it until after next year’s midterms. He may play coy with the media, but if all the trips to various primary states weren’t giveaways enough, word has come down that he’s taking the modern route to declaring your intention to run for president one day — he’s writing a book. Like Mittens Q. Romneython III, Herman “9-9-69-Whoops-I’m-Sorry-Did-I-Just-Sexually-Harass-You” Cain, and Jeb “I’m The Slightly Less Dumb One” Bush before him, Rep. Paul Ryan has inked a deal to write a book about the state of conservatism in America.
Not much is known about Ryan’s book at this point but we do know the title, “Where Do We Go From Here?” That title is fine, I guess, but I have to be honest — I was hoping for a little more from the man who could have been our Vice-President if only he wasn’t one-half of the scariest anti-populist ticket this country has seen in quite some time. So I came up with a few alternative book titles for Paul.
#5. Atlas Shrugged III
I am a little bit shocked that Ryan’s book title didn’t contain any references or homages to the godmother of his entire fiscal sociopathy, Ayn Rand. I was hoping it’d be “Six Ways To Worship Ayn Rand’s Hypocrisy and Insanely Simplistic View of Government Budgets,” but such was not the case. Now, you might say to me, “James, how can there be a third ‘Atlas Shrugged’ when Ayn Rand didn’t write a sequel”” I’ll tell you why it’d have to be “Atlas Shrugged III.” Because some idiot in Hollywood wrote “Atlas Shrugged: Part II” already; and it’s already been shot and released straight to DVD.
Five bucks says it’s in Paul’s “special” stash of movies, right next to “Wall Street” (he thinks Gordon Gekko is a protagonist) and “Wall Street II: Electric Boogaloo” that he pulls out on those cold and lonely Friday nights on the Hill.
#4. Curious George Dies Because The Man in The Yellow Hat Got Him Insurance Through The Affordable Care Act’s Exchange In His State
Now, for starters I admit that this title is a bit clunky. But think of all the money Ryan would make aiming his political propaganda at not just parents, but at kids too! Why, he might be able to stop a whole generation of takers in their diapers! He could steer them towards a good, conservative lifestyle that includes working four low-wage jobs trying to put yourself through private, for-profit colleges so that you can get a job in a right-to-work state making shitloads less than you would if you were in a labor market that actually valued labor and dying completely broke since all your money went to things like sales taxes on the essentials you needed to survive.
#3. Oh The Places You Won’t Go (Thanks To My Fiscal Policies)
Every spring, thousands of copies of Dr. Seuss’ classic book “Oh The Places You’ll Go” are purchased and given out to high school and college graduates everywhere. Paul Ryan should have written the modernized version of that book. Here’s an excerpt I envision:
With wages cut low, to help the Jobbity Creators you know, life will be just grand. You see, fiscal conservatism is just grand! You’ll go to college and get a degree to work three part-time jobs but not live comfortably. You might want some help, to feed your little groms, but we can’t do that when we have to build so many little bombs!
#2. The Paul Way: How Literally Tossing Poor People Out Into The Street Can Help You Build Muscle and Burn Fat
We all remember those publicity shots that Paul took during last year’s campaign right? Red hat askew, looking like a dope at the camera with his ear buds on, pumping iron. I think those shots were just for the calendar that Romney-Ryan was selling as “Pictures for Uptight White Ladies To Flick Their Beans To” but I bet they’d work just as well as part of a self-help book on getting into shape. Paul could teach us all how to literally heft the poor people in this country out into the streets, thereby encouraging them on their path to becoming makers, and not takers.
#1. I’m a Career Politician Douchebag, and You Should Like Me Even Though You’re Not Rich and Those Are the Only People I Give a Shit About
Call me crazy. Call me naive. I just like it when people are direct and honest as possible about what’s in their books. Nothing is worse than a misleading title. I read eight books about a boy wizard because I kept thinking it was going to get to the part about an unkempt guy with a kiln for Christ’s sake. So I just think maybe Paul should just title his book what it really is.