Tonight, President Barack Obama will deliver the final State of the Union address of his presidential career. The man who many thought was too dark-skinned to win once, and not Republican-enough to win re-election with an economy that was still very woozy from the effects of recovering from the worst economic calamity since the Great Depression has addressed his best friends in Congress seven previous times, and as is to be expected, everyone showed him the utmost respect, every single time.
While most of us will hear what Obama actually says during his speech, we also know from the seven previous times that no matter what he says, Republicans will hear something different. As evidence, just go back and watch the seven GOP rebuttals to his speeches and marvel at the irrelevant and factually bereft responses they gave. Then have a good laugh at people like Michele Bachmann and Marco “Where’s My Water?” Rubio trying to look presidential after someone who is very presidential just did one of the most presidential things you can do.
So what will the Republican Uncle in your life hear instead of the actual State of the Union? Here are some ideas.
#4. “Guns are now illegal, and if your neighbor has one you should turn them in to our new Obama’s Gun Grabber Unit, or OGGU”
We know Obama’s going to talk about his recent executive orders on gun control. Most of us will hear him very plainly lay out why he did what he did — and why what he did jives very well with what gun owners themselves largely want in terms of background checks and the other issues addressed by his orders. But your Republican Uncle thinks that any law about guns that doesn’t contain the language “keep your mitts off” and “libtard” are the most un-American things since giving black people their freedom and gay people the right to marry. So what he’ll hear is Obama tell the country why they don’t need guns and he’ll be taking them off their hands shortly.
#3. “You know, back in Kenya we used to have a saying about lame ducks…”
He’s been dying to hear Obama slip-up just once and admit that he’s a Kenyan-born, Sharia loving communist. This SOTU address might be his last, best chance for that to happen. Of course, if xenophobia and 18th century fears of foreign-born dictators are really your uncle’s bag and he doesn’t want to let go of it, he can always take up the anti-Ted Cruz birtherism starting to take root in both the GOP and the Democratic Party. Don’t get us wrong, fuck Ted Cruz with Mike Huckabee’s dick, but it sure would be nice if we stopped freaking out about the idea of someone being born in another country one day being in charge of this one, wouldn’t it?
#2. “Before next January, I will declare coal illegal and force all miners to get gay married to get their jobs back, at wind turbines! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Obama hates America and he hates coal. Just ask any Republican. You see, they hate him so much they study every word he says and naturally because he, like virtually every other educated climate scientist, believes that coal is not a sustainable option for renewable, clean energy that won’t destroy our planet, he must hate coal and every single worker who risks their lives to procure it, right? Of course, we all know that if he was the eco warrior dictator they claim he is, he’d have issued executive orders on the subject, but who needs logic when yo ucan demagogue?
#1. “After consulting with George Soros, I have decided to declare the Constitution null and void, and declare myself Emperor of the Galaxy”
I joke about this a lot, I know. But if you’ve spent even five minutes on a message board or a Facebook page where right-wingers can speak freely you will see some version of this bandied about. I didn’t just make up this conspiracy out of thin air, and I am about 95% sure I remember growing up in a Republican home hearing Rush Limbaugh warn his listeners that Bill Clinton might try something similar. Republicans are funny that way; they respect the Constitution so much they never want it amended…except when they’re the governor of a red state and they want to keep gay people unwed, poor people off health insurance, and black people out of the voting booths.