3 New Terms Republicans Can Use Instead of “Entitlement Reform”

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That term, they've concluded, is poisoned. They fear, and very rightfully so, that once you start talking entitlement reform there's a large, reliable block of voters you can kiss goodbye: Seniors.

Team Romney knew the attacks on Paul Ryan would come when they chose him as the VP nominee. This is the guy who wrote a budget plan that so fundamentally changed Medicare and Social Security that even the Wall Street journal effectively called it “Crazy Town Bullshit.” Or at least their version of “Crazy Town Bullshit.” So the GOP strategists have been working on ways to sell the public on their vision of entitlement reform.

Oh, whoops. As Politico reported, we’re not supposed to be using that term anymore. That term, they’ve concluded, is poisoned. They fear, and very rightfully so, that once you start talking entitlement reform there’s a large, reliable block of voters you can kiss goodbye: Seniors. So they’ve given their underlings a list of approved terms to use instead of entitlement reform. Apparently they’re ready to tackle the issue, but only after some serious re-branding. To be fair, it’s much like when we Progressives had to adopt the words “Climate change” in place of “Global Warming.” Of course, that was because climate deniers kept pointing to every cold day as proof that global warming was a myth…because they’re fucking stupid.

Here’s what’s in and out for the GOP in place of “Entitlement Reform”


  • “Entitlement reform
  • Privatization
  • Every Option Is On The Table


  • “Strengthen
  • Secure
  • Save
  • Preserve
  • Protect

But all of their suggestions are frankly boring, so I figured why not help them out and give them three better suggestions. I mean, if you’re going to bullshit the American public, you should at least do it with some pizzazz.

1. “Giving help to those who need it most: insurance companies”

What Obamacare really is at its heart is a program designed to benefit both consumers and the health care industry. Through its large pools of potential customers and patients, it both delivers millions in new revenue to the insurance providers, and helps keeps costs down for the rest of us. Since Romney and Ryan intend to kill Obamacare, they could sell their Medicare program as simply restoring some of that help…to the large companies profiting from our sickness.

2. “Undertaker and funeral home subsidizing”

When the vouchers run out, and medicine isn’t affordable without them, there could be a massive boom in the industries that handle the “down cycle of life.” Everyone has suffered in this economy, so it’s time to help a dying industry. No literally, the industry of death could benefit greatly if vital medications simply can’t be paid for by patients. Who knows, maybe this could also be an effective form of population control, and you could outlaw abortion and birth control again. Talk about two birds and one terribly fucking cruel stone! No, I’m not accusing this idea of being a form of cruel social engineering…Newt Gingrich already did that for me.

3. “Making the choice between food and medicine easier”

When you’re on a fixed income, or when you make very little money, you are faced every day with tough decisions. If you happen to also need daily medications, life just got that much harder for you. Medicare was established to help bridge those gaps and not make anyone have to choose between food and medicine. It’s certainly not perfect, and recipients still have to make tough budget decisions, but under the Romney-Ryan plan, all that guesswork is removed. It’s easy; once you run out of vouchers for your pills, all you’ll be able to spend your money on is food. You’re welcome, America!



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